The Simple Life

So Maybe There is Another Way to Handle It

2009-08-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

I know that it is Ronnie and my age to get "the question". But I swear I must get it every other week.

"When are YOUUUU going to have a baby?"

My new favorite response "Once God allows us since we have been trying for 20 months." Asshole! It really makes other people uncomfortable. HA! (I know, it's warped)

Oops

2009-08-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

I had to laugh when I got an email from Ronnie this morning

"I swear I'm turning OCD. Your junk is rubbing off on me!"

I'm so excited. Before you know it, he will be putting the plates away in color order.

And On

2009-07-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

With just a few seconds to breath before finals next week, I figured I should update my blog. It has been a crazy couple of weeks with no relief in sight. Summer school is over on August 10th so I just need to finish some projects over the weekend and study for finals. I get less than two weeks before I start the fall semester. Five classes my friends. Crazy? Maybe, but I am determined to finish in just 3 year with NO more summer school and I still have a couple of “easy” ones that I can knock down at once.

Benda start chemo tomorrow and I am a bit nervous! I hate not knowing what to expect. It has been weighing heavy on my heart. It’s so hard to watch the emotions of the entire family. The good news is that she will only need four treatments instead of 6. Chemo is every other week and Ronnie and I still plan to stay with her on the weekends following them. I will miss the next treatment though since I am going to take a mini vacation to Portland.

Since I only get a very short break from school, I decided to sprit over to Portland and spend a four day week with some family. Ronnie will not be able to go since he is helping with his mom and is already requiring extra days off work. They have been extremely generous with arranging time off for him to help his mom so we are not going to begin to push it. I wasn’t crazy about going by myself, so I am taking along my 13 year old niece Kendra since she needs to get out of the little Lewiston shell (I decided). I remember spending many weeks in Portland during the summer when I was her age and loved it more than anything. It will be fun to watch her experience the same.

I’m still not pregnant but no surprise there. We did not have an IUI this month since I was ovulation on the weekend. We will not be having one during the month of August either since I will be in Portland during ovulation. Although we are only half way through our treatments, I can’t help but wonder if we will ever be parents. It just keeps getting harder and harder.

Well better get back to my case study.

YES...I Found a Break

2009-07-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

Why didn't I think of this sooner? I could just burst in excitement. I was so worried trying to figure out how I was going to complete all my homework by Monday. The most time consumption part was the 410 page book I had to read for science. Guess what? I just downloaded it on my Ipod and am listen to it while I work. I feel so confident that I will get through this week now without a mental breakdown. Yeah!!!

Find Me Under a Pile of Books

2009-07-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

I might as well make this quick and apologize for my future lack of blogging. I am SO buried in homework I can’t see beyond the books. Let me go over the schedule for the next three weeks.

This week:
Business- Read 4 chapters of an extremely large text book. [DONE]
This morning at 4:00 AM I took the test over the last four chapters [DONE]
Case study due at 5 PM tonight [Currently working on]
Natural Science-
Read 6 chapters in textbook (or is it 7) [2 chapters down, 4 more to go?]
Watch the Movie Inconvenient truth (the Al Gore movie) [Sat. 10am library *I hope*]

Next Week:
Natural Science-
Take test on Monday before 5
3 page paper on inconvenient truth by Monday
Read book Hot Zone (Some stupid science book with 300 pages)
Business-
Read 4 chapters of an extremely large text book
Test due Friday by noon

The following week:
Natural Science-
Have 5 page paper wrote to review Hot Zone on Monday
Business
5 page Business plan done by Monday

The worst part is that Ronnie has all next week off but I’m afraid we won’t have any time to do anything fun. I have WAY TOO much to do. UGH. Lesson learned...never again will I go to summer school. UGH!

A quick update on Brenda too. Her surgeon told her that they removed all the tumor from her breast and her lymphoid check came back clear too so she is on her way to the next step which is Chemo. She has a appointment next Thursday to find out which chemo she will receive and the number of treatments. She is set to have them on Fridays so Ronnie has arranged with work to have the next 3 months of weekends off so we can stay at Ronnie’s mom and help her after treatments. Please continue to keep her in your prayers as we embark on this chemo chapter.

Growing Pains

2009-07-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

I feeling a little lost these days. I am so determined to be a strong person but these bumps in the road keep getting to me. I and am looking at some of the hardest obstacles straight in the face that I have had to deal with during my life. I know that each challenge in life we learn and grow, but I am feeling major growing pains.

Brenda had her surgery last Monday and it went very well. The tumor was small and they felt they got it all. Ronnie took off the entire week to help his mom. He stayed with her on Monday until just before bedtime. Mandi spent the first night and Ronnie relieved her in the morning. We stayed the next couple of nights, as I tried to plug away at homework. Ronnie was very patient with his mom and was content watching cooking shows with her much of the day. I think this will only be a glimpse of what’s left to come. I am so scared to watch that part of my shaken family watch Brenda go through chemo. Recovering from day surgery in one thing, but the chronic sickness of chemo is another.

Tonight, my poor husband will be installing a new clutch in our pickup. He was at our friends shop until close to midnight trying to pull the transmission out of it. I’m sure that 4:30 came way too early for him especially since he will have to work again on it tonight. Give me a bit of time to work on my large stack of homework and keep my head out of the clouds.

God, why are You punishing us

2009-07-06T16:51:00.001-07:00

Happy day, our clutch just went out in the truck. $400 part with 400 dollar labor.

I AM SPENT.

And Another

2009-07-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

I gave myself a half of day to cry uncontrollable, to lie in bed and do nothing, to feel sorry for myself and be angry. I kept repeating in my head...you have until noon. I didn’t necessarily have anything to do, but I also knew that I had to pull it all together and that I wasn’t helping the situation. I had to put on my happy face before Ronnie got home. I watched TV for a bit but found myself getting tears in my eyes just watching a commercial with a child sitting on his dad’s lap. Nothing else but a child simply sitting in a parents lap. Another “no”, another, “not this time” ringing in my head.

Ronnie got home and I told him, we’re going to have to do another IUI, with a very pushed smile. I can be strong for him but not for myself. I wasn’t happy to hear him say “you okay?” I couldn’t fight the tears any longer so as I did my best to say “yes” they shied down my face. Ronnie wiped them as he said I’m sorry. It was quite for the next 15 minutes as we gathered items for our 4th of July barbeque. Later that evening, we joined some friends and Ronnie came over to me and said again “you okay?” My response, “It’s just been a hard week.” Than Ronnie said something that completely caught me off guard but it was also something that I had expected to hear in this journey. “I’m sorry honey, it’s all my fault.” I stood there in shock as I let the words absorb. I grabbed Ronnie’s hand and lead him to the front of the house so we could be by ourselves. I assertively explained to Ronnie that it wasn’t his fault and that it’s not anything he had done to create this situation. I told him that our fertility was OUR issue and I never felt like it was just on him. This is a team effort and I would never blame him. I was pissed although I knew all along that at some point he would feel this way. He promised me that he wouldn’t put the blame himself.

Later that night, I was again surprised to hear Ronnie say that he didn’t want to take a break from our treatments and he wanted to continue on. Just a few weeks ago, we had agreed to wait a couple of months while we helped Brenda get through chemo. If he wants to move forward, I am totally on board but I do worry about both our emotional states with another “not this time”.

Pink Banner

2009-06-27T09:45:00.001-07:00

Thursday, we attended Brenda’s surgery appointment regarding her breast cancer. It felt so wired in the waiting room, as I couldn’t help to feel like I was surrounded by our hardest life events. There are three doors in the north wing waiting room, upstairs at Valley Medical. The first door is Spokane Cardiology. I attended many appointments with my own mom there, which many of them occurred during her sickest time. It was also, where I was told about my own condition. The second door is for the Surgery Center. This is now the door we go through to fight Ronnie’s mom’s breast cancer. The third door of course is the OB, and we all know that struggle. I was sitting there, and couldn’t help but shake my head at the obstacles that waiting room was surrounded by. I have never felt so claustrophobic in such a large room.

The nurse had us sit, it what looked like to be the break room but there was four of us there. The nurse came back with a basket of pink “stuff” form one of the support groups in town. She also told Brenda about some great books that would help her through this process. After a bit of a wait, the surgeon came in, introduced himself, and said “okay, ask away.” We ask him to tell us about the procedure and what would happen afterwards. Then we ask the size, the type, and so on. Most of our concerns and questions come with Chemo and she will not meet with that doctor until mid July. I think one of the most comforting things was when the doctor looked at Brenda and said, “you get through this”. Her surgery is scheduled for this Monday. Yes, in like two days.

As we left the room, the basket that Brenda received seemed to act like a big banner over her head that said “I have breast cancer.” The receptionist noticed it as I heard a voice say “Rachaell, can you come here for just a second.” It was the same receptionist for our OB as the surgeon. She asked me if Brenda needed to make a follow up appointment. I told her that I didn’t think so since she was scheduled for surgery on Monday. She replied, “Wow, you’ve got a lot on you’ve plate dear. Are you okay?”

We went to lunch after the appointment and I could tell that everyone felt better after talking to the doctor. I still think that everyone’s worries come with the chemo. We also talked over lunch on how we planned to tell the kids. We are having a barbeque on Sunday where we plan to tell them and let them ask questions.

Please keep my family in your prayers while we continue to fight another dieses.

Stars are in Line

2009-06-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterdays IUI went G-R-E-A-T.

Dr. U was delighted when he entered the room announcing, "Third time is a charm." He went on to tell us that the sperm count was that highest, by far, from us yet. Not only was there a good count, but they were very active with "strong swimmers". We also discussed what should happen from here. We talked about fertility medicine, we talked about further testing, and we talked about holding onto hope. He is very confident that this could work for us and encouraged us to continue "natural" IUI (I'm not sure I would use the word natural, for the natural way is MUCH more enjoyable). He sees no need for drugs to increase my egg count, besides; you saw what it did to Jon and Kate.

He continued to tell us that whatever we did this time to increase our count, we needed to continue. Ronnie was NOT happy to hear this because the only thing we have done different is substance from S-E-X. I started laughing when he said it. Ronnie shot a look at Dr. U and the doctor knew immediately what he had done, or should I say what he restricted Ronnie from. Dr. U and the nurse couldn't help but laugh, I think in part by the look on Ronnie's face.

As we began our third procedure, the doctor keeps repeating, "I have a good feeling about this one." It's nice to have someone helping us who is so supportive and wants to uplift our spirits. Since I have a history of a "hostile" cervix, the Jaws of Life, I mean the clamp had to be used on my cervix. The clamp is probably the worst part of the procedure. There was very little cramping and the clamp did not tear any tissue this time either. It was smiles all over the room, from Ronnie and me, to the doctor, and even the nurse. I couldn't help but send my 20 minutes lying on the table after the procedure wondering if this is the one.

When the doctor and nurse left the room for my resting period, Ronnie said, "cock blocker" as they shut the door. That might be too much information but I was almost in tears laughing. Ronnie said, "I used to really like that guy, but now I think he is a quack." Better get used to it dear. (I know your reading this)

Since we see the OB office at least once a month, most of the staff in the department knows who we are and why we are there. We bumped into the nursing assistant on our way out and she extended her prayers. As we passed by the receptionist desk, the receptionist lifts both of her hands form her computer to cross her fingers while mouthing, “let us knows". They all share our hope and are excited for us.

I am so hopeful. I feel better than ever about this procedure. God, let this be the one.

3rd Time is a Charm

2009-06-24T07:44:00.001-07:00

Today is our third IUI. If this one doesn't work, it will be months till we try again. I am hoping and praying that God gives us our gift this time. We could use this blessing more than ever.

God please, I’m begging.

2009-06-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

All seemed good in the land of Oz. Ronnie and I were over helping Dom remodel his bathroom and we got a call from Ronnie’s mother. She seemed upbeat and asks if we could come over for a few minutes. When we got to her house, Ronnie sister was also there waiting. Immediately, we knew that whatever we were brought there to discuss, it was about her health. Nobody was even slightly prepared for Brenda to tell us she has breast cancer. The room was silent besides the slight weeps coming from Mandi. She went on to tell us that her doctor had called her just a couple hours ago to deliver the news. She is to have surgery in two weeks to remove the lump and then will start 6 treatments of chemo and radiation treatment. We know very little right now and I don’t think any of us have let it sink in that she does have cancer. We are all meeting with her doctor Thursday with our questions and we will be informed what all happens next.

I feel like I HAVE to be the strong one for Ronnie’s family since he was my rock during the loss of my mom. If you know me, you know that I am an extremely emotional person. So far, I have been able to take the emotions out of the situation and help them focus on getting mom better. I have never felt the strength that I do now, and can only believe that it is a gift to help us all through this. I now pray that I can hold on to this strength I did not know that existed inside me. Mandi has already told Brenda’s best friend that I’m the one holding it all together for them and I must continue to make that happen.

The vulnerable and selfish side of me worries about my own children. My weakest moments are when I think of my own mom saying to me “I just want to be a healthy grandma.” She said this to me a week before she died right after I told her we were going to start trying for children. I am pissed that my children will never know their own grandmother, that they will never hear her voice or feel her hugs or kisses. The thought of losing another mom KILLS me. I need her for my own children since she is the only grandmother they have left.

Ronnie is not taking it well as you might expect, and his sister is taking is worse. Ronnie completely shut down Friday night but all emotions have started to spew out since Saturday morning. He seems very angry at life and life has really giving him reason to be angry lately. We did talk Saturday that it was okay to be mad, and that it was okay to be in disagreement with God’s plan, but that we couldn’t lose faith in Him either. Mandi on the other hand has not stopped crying. I find that easier to deal with than completely shutting down as Ronnie has a tendency to do. I keep reminding Mandi that she has every right to be upset and if she can cry all she needs to. Luckily, Mandi does not have her children until today, so I am so thankful that the children did not see her that way.
Here is the even harder part. We have to tell the kids. We are having a family barbeque on Sunday, (after the appointment with the doctor) to tell them. The goal is to try not to scare them but be honest and let them know what to expect. Although we will all be there, it looks like I will be the one telling the kids for I am the only person (right now) who can tell them without crying. I am meeting with my friend, who is 30, and just had to tell her own children about her stage 3 breast cancer a few months ago.

In other not so fun news, are IUI has been rescheduled for Wednesday. Ronnie and I have high hopes for this IUI and our entire family could use the good news right now. If this IUI does NOT take, we have both decided to wait a couple of months to we try again. Emotionally neither one of us can deal with another “No” while dealing with Brenda’s recovery.

Lots on my Mind

2009-06-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

This has already been quite a week and it has really just begun. I have so many thoughts going through my head this week, I’m having a hard time sorting through them. No bad thoughts, nothing necessarily good either, but just sorting through life.

First off, I started school this week. I know, I just love punishment! The thought of completing 2 classes in 8 weeks was very appealing until I realized that the class is designed for 15 weeks so I’d better double up your home work. I already had one quiz, I have a large assignment due on Friday, and my first test is Monday. I’m not worried about the stress the classes might cause due to the fact I don’t have time to stress.

The positive side about school is that my plan is total working. I have successfully sidetracked myself from the whole baby-making thing (well...for the most part). I asked Ronnie last night if we should hold off on trying IUI for June, but he wasn’t crazy about the idea. This will be out third IUI and every time we have one, I get more scared. The doctor will only perform 6 IUI’s so I feel as if we are using all our chances. I hate to say it, but every time it feels like there is just less hope even though, in all reality, we are improving our chances. I know our next step is IVF but we won’t be able to afford that for at least 3 years. Tentatively, it looks like I will be ovulating on Father’s day. Wouldn’t that be a great Father’s day gift to Ronnie if it were to work?

My brother hit me with a bomb last night too. His girlfriend is moving in with him. He called Ronnie to see if he would help him finish the remodel to his bathroom before she moves in THIS WEEKEND. Looks like I need to add four more place settings to our Thanksgiving table. Her oldest child is in college now, so that only means that her other two will be moving in as well. Yes, my brother is adding two teenage children into his life. HA! He said that they are just going to rent her house out to see how things go. I’m glad they are not just selling it. Ronnie and I were laughing last night because Dom is not going to be able to hide her in the closet anymore (she has never met our family). I almost wonder if Ronnie is scared for her. He feels like it took a long time to “win over” my family. Now, Ronnie loves my family and feels the love back. He told me he was going to pull Michelle, Dom’s girlfriend, to the side and tell her that my family is like the mafia. His words, “It might take some time for them to warm up to you, but once you’re in, you’re in for life.” The funny thing about all of this is that Claire told me a couple of weeks ago, “I really like Michelle”. “I hope Michelle and my dad get married.” I didn’t tell Dom because I didn’t want to add any pressure.

The other crazy thing that I ran into this morning was an article in the paper about my ex-stepsister. Well, I wouldn’t call it an article since it was in the records under Superior Court. She was convicted of one count of unlawful issuance of a bank check. Here is and idea, get a job you dead beat. She saw Amber the other day and told her she was getting married. Amber wonders if that's how she paid for the ring (I wouldn't put it past her). As I told Amber, I just know one of these days the FBI is going to contact me because they are investigating her as a serial killer and they found someone locked in her freezer. I just hope I'm not the one in the freezer. I thank God that she lives in a different city and that Ronnie convinced me to cut her out of my life.

I Told You Not to Count Me Out

2009-06-09T12:56:00.001-07:00

I'm starting summer school on Monday. It's offical! 8 weeks for 2 classes.

I'm am having a MUCH better day than yesterday. I Feel like it's a new day and I'm still going to push toward my goals.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Well, Not this Time

2009-06-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hard morning with another, not this time. Tomorrow I'll be back to "we'll just have to give it another try". As for today...I weep and I'm allowed.

Dreams

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that’s ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Toss his kid a baseball.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we’ll hold.

~Susan Reardon

Maybe Now I Can Work on Some R & R

2009-06-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

We're done. Ronnie bought a car yesterday for a great price, the year we wanted, the miles we wanted but defiantly not the color we wanted. The last color of car I would want is yellow and the second color is red. Those two colors just scream, "look at me". Guess what? We have a bright cherry red car. I have to admit, for red, it's a pretty color of car.

(fuzzy pictures again from my phone)

I sent Ronnie to buy the car on his own since we have different days off. He knows more about cars than I do so just tell me where to sign. It’s not like we are looking for a “cute” car. We are practical people so we are in search for another Grand Prix since it fits our life style so well. Ronnie put the car on a hauler and headed west at 6:30 in the morning. The cars we are looking at our $3000-4000 cheaper from the tri-cities to Seattle then around home and even the Spokane area. I hate buying cars but I don't think it was any less stressful being left in the dark waiting back at home. I was a nervous mess all day yesterday.

He made it to the tri-city area around 9:30. The first dealership, who had two Grand Prix, had sold both of them yesterday. Crap! I send Ronnie to another dealership close by. It was the only car left, which we had on our list for that area. Ronnie pulled into the dealership, was passed from one salesperson to the next, and then they offered us $500 for our car. Ronnie was getting weird feelings from this dealership. He texts me with their offer and its easy for me to say NO. They then offer $1000. I reply again, NO! They then offer $1500. Ronnie final called me to find out what to do and I can tell he is completely uncomfortable. I tried to pull together my thoughts on what to do next but I am completely frazzled by this point. While I have Ronnie on the phone, we try to decide if he should head to Seattle to start looking, come back home, or deal with these people. I did one last Auto Trader search while I have him on the phone. Finally, a break. I found one just listed 20 minutes from where he is, that only had 31,000 miles, and is even $500 less than the one he is looking at.

Let me tell you, it is not easy to give someone directions over the phone, in an unfamiliar place, with TONS of closed roads due to construction. I finally get Ronnie there and then am left to play the waiting game again. An hour passes, than another and I am starting to wonder if Ronnie is in jail for strangling a salesman. Almost two hours latter Ronnie calls me and we decide to go for it. Luckily, this dealership is much friendlier and much more reasonable and offers us $2,275 for our car. We are only paying $30 extra dollars then we already pay so it’s total within our budget. Ronnie was on the road home around 5:30 and got home shortly before 8 (yeah, he had to have hauled ass).

Ronnie came home and read my blog last night so it gave us a chance to self reflect on the month’s events. He told me he was even ready to have a complete breakdown on Wednesday too.

This last month has been SO stressful, I am SO glad reaching that light of our tunnel.

I Know, it Could be Worse

2009-06-04T13:02:00.001-07:00

What a week...no, let me rephrase that. What a month!

First of May, the car breaks down right in the middle of refinancing our house. Our bank tells us to hold off on purchasing a vehicle until after the refi so we don’t have any credit extended currently. The problem is, are vehicles are part of our livelihood since we both work out of town. Thank goodness that I work at a business that is like a second family and they offer their extra vehicle until our refi is done. When all this started to happen, I was in better mental shape than Ronnie, which never happens, so I spent my energy trying to ease his stress.

Problem solved? Not so fast. We get a call from the credit union saying our appraisal didn’t come in where hoped it would. Since we have great credit, we are long customers, and they are a credit union and not a bank, they are going to work with the underwriters and see what they can do but it’s now going to be a couple more weeks. Waiting...waiting...no calls...waiting...no calls. A couple of weeks go by and we hear nothing so Ronnie starts lighting up their telephone lines. Finally, 4 days later, our lending officer calls us back and says they can do all of the refi at almost 2 percent less than we are paying now, but we have to put $1,500.00 down. Hello, like I have $1,500 laying around with fertility treatments and school tuition.

I spend an afternoon going through bills and pinching every dime I can. I somehow find a way to pay all the bills and still come up with the money. In the mean time, we go visit family on a MUCH needed break, come home to start ovulation tests. 2 days later, I find out I’m ovulating and trying to get Ronnie home for his “sample” and I to get off work, and have the doctor fit us in an already booked schedule is close to impossible but after a half day of phone calls, I did it. We had our IUI on Thursday and signed the refi paper on Friday. Immediately, when Ronnie and I get home from closing, Ronnie dances an advertisement for a car at a local dealership in front of my face. I could have KILLED him. I pleaded with Ronnie to give me just the weekend to mellow down, and then we can start the great car search.

Saturday night comes and this horrible sound starts coming from the air conditioner. It’s so bad that we can’t barley hear each other talk and we had to turn it off during the night so we can sleep. Great, how much is this going to cost? Monday, I’m driving home from work and the truck starts to overheat. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? NOW WHAT?? I called Ronnie and he came and picked me up but of course, it Monday so he’s ready to go car shopping. I just felt SO overwhelmed. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and start kicking me feet yelling, “ I DON’T WANT TO CAR SHOP!” I knew if I opened my mouth when Ronnie pulled in the car lot, that negativity would spew out of my mouth so I just sat there, quite. I had only told Ronnie to give me the weekend so of course he jumped back on the bandwagon even though now we had to deal with the AC and the truck. The two cars we test drove were not what we were looking for so we moved on. We got back to the truck, and by the grace of God, the truck only needed a $20 part and he could fix it in the parking lot. I spent another hot night tossing and turning in bed.

Tuesday night, I swear I felt like I had only got an hour of sleep. I wake Ronnie up at 4:20 for work the next morning and with the stare of Satan I say, “GET THE AIR FIXED”. (Trust me, my voice was deep and scary). I went to Printcraft after work to look at some proofs for my business cards. I mentioned that I picked up an order for work last week and there was a minor problem. She goes on to lecture me how communication is key and she had to have gotten her information for the wrong order from me. I felt SO belittled and like a 10-year-old child. I stopped her in midsentence and said “I going to hold off and the business and order them from Lewiston Printing” and walked out while she was still carrying on. For some reason, I sat in my truck and lost it. I was so mad and so stressed, I just started crying. I drove back home and fell apart again until the AC God arrived.

Ronnie is now in the tri-cities with the car on a hauler seeing if we can get rid of the stupid thing. He keeps calling me, which is kinda nice playing up the whole good cop/bad cop game. (Yeah, I’m the bad cop). In the mean time, I have what I like to call “pretend” signs that I could be pregnant. Ronnie reminded me that crazy does not equal pregnancy.

Overheated pickup.......$ 13.00
Closing cost out of pocket to refinance house...$1,500.00
Out of pocket tuition for fall......$ 2,500.00
Replacement of a car......around $12,000.00
Air conditioner fan....$271.00

Sleeping through the whole night in your bed because it’s no longer 100 degrees in your house....
PRICELESS

I AM SOOOOO STRESSED OUT

2009-06-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

Everything is going WRONG. I am SOOO stressed out!

The lady at Printcraft just made me so mad I was crying on the way out.

I hope to God that I am pregnant because then I have a reason to be crazy.

After "The Wash" : Our first IUI

2009-06-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

After the sperm wash is completed, we were ready for our first IUI. I was so sure that this was going to work. I would do this procedure one time, and then I would hold my baby in my arms in nine months. The nurse led me to a room and told me to make the same preparations that are used for a pap smear.

When the doctor came in, he expressed concerns about my husband's low sperm count. He then ask if a student could come in to observe the procedure. I was slightly hesitant at first but I am all about education these days. After I agreed, I was happy to learn that the student was female and she was already a doctor, just pursuing her residence. As Dr. U went to usher in the student, I did ask him if he wanted to invite his softball team too. The student was of Asian descent and young so Ronnie kept referring to her as Dr. Yang from Grey's Anatomy. She was nice and also got Dr. U and my sense of humor.

Dr. U showed me a scary-looking syringe with a very long, skinny tube that he would insert into my cervix. This did not look pleasant. I made Ronnie stand by my head but he was paying more attention to the procedure than to me. My "hostile cervix" was not cooperating, so Dr. U had to use "the clamp" to open up my cervix. "The clamp" looked like long tweezers, but they felt like iron shackles as Dr. U forced my cervix to open.

Without going into the gory details, let's just say that having a long, skinny tube inserted into your cervix does not feel good. I will never complain about a pap smear after experiencing this feeling. I could feel the pressure of the semen specimen being inserted into my cervix and up into my fallopian tubes. It caused me to feel cramps - uncomfortable but not enough to make me cry. The cramps lasted long into the night and the next morning too.

After Dr. U was finished, he adjusted the table to tilt my pelvis and told me to lie there for 15 minutes. I just laid there and prayed that we would conceive a baby. I went home and left nauseous and crampy all night.

The "Wash"

2009-05-29T11:11:00.000-07:00

My Blog is Going to get Very Personal

Let's me till you about one part of IUI....Sperm Wash

To me, the sperm wash was one of the most fascinating fertility procedures. The term "sperm wash" sounded like the doctor was going to take my husband's sperm, give it a good bath, and then put it to work. I was surprised to learn that water was not even involved in a sperm wash. (No soap, either!!)

Instead, a sperm wash is more like sending the sperm to Disneyland before they have to get back to work. The semen sample goes into a glass tube, which is placed in a machine that spins the sperm very fast for several minutes. In fact, it spins the sperm so fast and so hard that, when the tube is removed, all of the healthy sperm are packed together into a little pellet at the bottom of the tube.

I know a couple who conceived their first two children after doing a sperm wash and an intrauterine insemination (IUI). When the husband saw what they were doing to his sperm, he made all sorts of jokes about how "dizzy" the baby would be. He said that his child would always have an excuse for bouncing off the walls after coming into being through this process. I love his sense of humor! (And, for the record, both children are great kids without a hint of bouncing off the walls.)

Part of the sperm wash involves adding a fluid to nourish the sperm. This fluid can help the sperm live longer than they would others, which raises your chances of becoming pregnant. How cool is that? First, the sperm goes on a carnival ride and then gets a Big Mac before being sent off to work. For some people, this is just enough to get the job done.

The purpose of the sperm wash is not to provide amusement but to separate out the "good" and "bad" sperm. Only the good ones join the pellet at the bottom of the tube. Those that are poor swimmers get "washed" out, which explains the procedure's name. By removing those that are not good swimmers, the "good" sperm do not have to swim around the barriers set up by the "bad" ones. Even though the sperm wash reduces the overall number of sperm available to reach the egg, it greatly raises the percentage that are healthy, thereby increasing the odds of your conceiving.

2nd Try

2009-05-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

Ronnie and I had made the decision to only share with our family when we had our fertility treatments. Both times he has broke that rule and with the person he keeps telling, I'm sure it will be no secret within our circle of friends. Does it really matter in the big picture? Probably not. It's not that I want to keep it from friends, it's just such a hard thing to talk to anyone about. This is one of the hardest obstacles that Ronnie and I have ever gone though and we don't feel like any one in the world really understands how we feel. I really don't have anyone to talk about it to other than Ronnie and his sister.

Since the word is already out, we had our second IUI today. The procedure is not necessarily painful, but it leaves you with 24 hours of the worst cramps I have ever had. They feel like your strongest cramps during your menstrual cycle, just non-stop. It definitely lays me up for the rest of the day and made me in a foul mood tonight. Each time we have the procedure, it increases our chance of conceiving. This time was better and worse than the last. I think I have less cramping this time and I didn't have a student in the room making me slightly more comfortable. I'm sure knowing what to expect helped too. I did experience much more bleeding than last time with the clamp on my cervix.

I still have to fill you in the details of our trip last weekend but this is whats on my mind tonight.

Blessings

2009-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their proper time...When his time of service was completed, he returned home. After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant.

Lord, how we wish for an angel to announce Your plan to us! But even if one did, we don't know how we would feel about waiting for the "proper" time for Your blessing. We want Your blessing - but we also want it right now! Thank you that you are a God of details, carefully selecting a proper time for Your miracles. Please help us to continue serving You joyfully as we wait for Your timing. Thank you, too, for giving us many reminders throughout the Bible that You can intervene and overcome infertility at any moment.

I Love Extended Weekends

2009-05-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

Okay so now it’s official, I will not be attending summer school. There is just NO way we can come up with the money. We just got word that we are closing on our house refinance next Friday and we have to come up with $1500 to close. When you refinance, they only pay up to 95% of what your house is worth and with the crappy economy, are appraisal did not come back with what we were hoping. In fact, our house has only gone up $1000.00 from when we bought it two years ago. That’s kind of depressing considering that we have spent over $5000.00 in upgrades with few flooring, a French doors, and the deck not to mention our sweat labor. I have to do some major rearranging in our budget to come up with that money. I guess I should just feel lucky that we are not upside down in our house like many people across the nation.

I am so looking forward to this weekend but it sure didn’t fall in good time with this new unexpected expense. If I have learned anything in life, I’ve learned that nothing happens in “good timing” so we will just make it work. Tomorrow we leave for Bremerton to spend the extended weekend with my family. (This is not an open invitation to rob my house. We have a house sitter.) We have no official plans other than to hit the Kitsap Forest Theatre of Seussical. (I’m sure Ronnie and my brother are looking forward to it. They allow wine so they should be okay.) Other than that, I am hoping to hit the farmers market and maybe hangout by the water, and just enjoy the weekend. Temperatures are to be in the low 70 so it should make for a nice weekend.

I got my final grades this week and was elated to find out I got an A in English. This class only had 17 people left in it by the end of the semester out of 25 people. To quote her syllabus “It is not uncommon for less than half of you to pass.” I spent so much time working on that final paper and I actually pulled off an A. I guess I should have spent less time on my paper and more on Accounting. I still can’t get over the fact I was only .04 points away from an A. Ronnie said he thought it was somewhat funny since I work in accounting. Trust me, there is a BIG difference from corporate accounting in a textbook and the bookkeeping I do at work.

Since I will not be attending summer school, I have already started booking wedding photos for the summer. I booked one for June 13th which is Genesee days. We had so much fun last year at Genesee days but we shouldn’t miss much since the wedding doesn’t start till 3. Ronnie used to work with the groom so he will be there too. Everything fun always happens on the same weekends. I am going to make my brother set up my new website in the next couple of weeks. My new editing software should be here by than so there is lots to do.

I am also really going to work at my health again. I was so motivated a couple of months ago but it has been so hard with being sick all the time. The sickness is probably just an excuse though. I am lucky if I make it to the gym once or twice a week lately and my waistband is showing the lack of exercise. Ronnie wants to start walking so hopefully with that I can get back on the workout train again.

I hope everyone else has a fun and safe extended weekend!

Summer?

2009-05-13T13:28:00.001-07:00

Summer Break!!! Well, maybe. I’m considering taking summer school. I really want to and now that I think I have my husband on board, I just have to figure out how we can afford it. I sprang it on Ronnie this morning thinking he would still be half-asleep. “Babe, what do you think about summer school?” He told me he thought I was crazy first responded …NO! “You haven’t even heard me out yet.” He then agreed to talk about it when we got home from work. A few hours ago he e-mailed me and asked me to give him my spill. I am concerned that it I will lose my good studying habits over the summer and really want to take one or ideally two classes this summer. I also think the shock value won’t be so bad going to full-time is the fall and I JUST WANT TO BE DONE. He’s only concern is burnout but the classes don’t start for another month. Summer classes are more expensive so our cost would be $300-400 per class. I just don’t know how we could do that right now but I haven’t completely giving up yet. To be continued…

I finished my Accounting II final yesterday and only got a B. That left me with needing .02 away from an A. Less than 1 point….Unbelievable! (So much for valedictorian, HA) I am happy that I get a break away from school though but my time off is filling up quickly.

I am final feeling better after all my infections. I still have a couple of days of antibiotics left but everything is looking much better. No more pain.

This weekend I am off to our ladies weekend at the cabin. I still have a million things to do before I leave so I decided to wait to Saturday morning to drive up. I have to work all day Friday so by the time I got up there, it would be time to eat and go to bed. Getting up with Ronnie at 4:20, I’m ready for bed at 8:00. I could really use that time to wrap up a few loose ends anyway.

My entire family is traveling to Bremerton for Memorial weekend. All my aunts, brother, grandmother, niece and husband will be there for Garrett’s birthday. I’m not sure how much we’ll see Ronnie since he’ll be surrounded by Legos and sea life but he should pop in looking for beer. The last time my entire family was together was for Mom’s funeral. It will be nice to be together under fun circumstances.

Speaking of mom, I pushed through another Mother’s day. I still think back to that article I read last year that said to focus on being a mom yourself when trying to overcome the absence of your mother on Mother’s day. Thinking about trying for 17 months to be a mom myself just doesn’t help. That’s the only suggestion they had. The actual day wasn’t too bad but the next day was hard. While going to bed, I started thinking about how much fun and excited my mom would have been to have the whole family together. That just started the out pour of more thoughts. Claire's first softball game this year, going to college, Claire's play, she would have loved it all and I just wish she could have been a part of it. Then the tears start leak out of the pool. That night I had a dream that I ran into Larry at Wal-mart. In a true white trash moment, I swung at him but missed.

Almost There

2009-05-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am feeling much better but still dealing with some draining issues. All I have to say is nurse Ronnie is now in the STRONG running for husband of the year. I know this is still not pretty, it is so much better. I don't think people are used to seeing me without eye makeup either.

I think Ronnie will be glad when I don't look like a battered wife anymore too.

My final paper in English is due tomorrow at noon. There is only 14 people left in the class out of 25. She wasn't kidding when she said over half of us would fail. I'm not sure if I'll pull the A, but I'm not worried about passing. My final in accounting is on Saturday and than, Summer break my friends!

I'm very excited to start some major scrapbooking and picture taking.

I'm Going Back to the Dr. Tomorrow

2009-05-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Here is day 4 of my situation. All I can say is I am miserable. Had a temp of 100+ all night and cold sweats. I still can't sit down and I have a case study due tomorrow. I think I'll put on some sun glasses, go out of the house for a coffee and sit back down here trying to do accounting through the fuzziness and the pain. I do feel slightly more human with a shower. Since I have had a temp all weekend, I will be going back to the Dr. tomorrow. I'm still hoping that I don't have to have surgery to unblock my tear duck but at this point, I just want some relief.

Miserable

2009-05-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

This is what an infected tear duck looks like which doesn't even describe the pain.

I won't show you what an infected spider bite becasue of where my lays. What I will tell you is that the pressure of sitting on my tush is more than I can bare. I'm running a temp of 100.9 and feel like I look like a wildabeast.

2009-05-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

*Warning…Major bitching up ahead*

As expected, the Jeff Dunham show was great. We had a great time and got a few summer clothes while we were down there. We stayed the night at the Holiday Inn Express, which we usually sleep very comfortable. This wasn’t the case as in Nampa. First of all, the hook at the end of the curtains were broke. Every time I would roll over in bed, I would have a beam of light shine in eyes since we were on the ground floor and facing the front. I am all for a well lite parking lot, but come on. On top of the beacon of light flooding the bed, the damn air conditioner didn’t work. It was 85 degrees the night we stayed in Boise. Finally, at 2 in the morning, Ronnie and I got up and banged the air conditioner around enough to get it to work. It was one of the worst night sleeps ever and we even had beer in our systems to help. I was so mad that in the morning, while we ate our breakfast, I told Ronnie I was going to complain. I marched up to the counter and bitched. I got this feeling that they didn’t care about my sleep and treated me like some kind of freak. Pissed, we left the hotel and stopped for gas. While Ronnie pumped the gas, I flipped down my visor to apply my makeup. “ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME” I shout. Ronnie came running back to the truck. “What’s wrong?!?!?”, he asks. When I looked in the mirror, I saw the words “OVER 21” imprinted on my cheek in red ink. I hadn’t looked in a mirror yet since I washed my face that pervious night and had just thrown on a baseball cap for breakfast. Ronnie, on the other hand, looked at me all through breakfast and didn’t notice. Men are so observant! Apparently, when I did fall asleep, my hand has resting on my cheek and in my sweat pool, I had transferred it to my face.

*Here’s where the major bitching starts*
Monday, I come home to find the car in the driveway with its hood up. I tried to convince myself that Ronnie was just putting washer fluid in it. I found Ronnie out mowing the back lawn and ask what’s up with the car. His response, “you don’t want to know.” We’ll I’m going to find out so hit me. The transmission went out. We had been told we were looking at some transmission problems but the mechanic advised us it would happen in 2 month or even 2 year. The plan was to finish our refinance for our house and then worry about the car. Not our luck! To add insult to injury, I went and checked the mail, and our first fertility treatment bill was in our mailbox. Oh yeah, the treatment that didn’t work.

That night was Dom’s B-day so we decided to have a few beers with him, his girlfriend, and some of his friends. Half way through the night, I get hit with another bomb. Dom says in conversation “since our old dad moved back into the area…WAIT. WHAT??? Apparently, Mr. Father of the decade has moved to Orofino. Ronnie told my brother, but failed to tell me. (for good reason) Dom tries to cover his words, but the cat is already out of the bag. The thing is, one of the reasons that it has been so easy emotionally to deal with that situation, is that I don’t have to see and hear from that man. Colorado was a good place for him. Now it is enviable that I will run into him.

With writing papers, studying for finals, worrying about finances, and now having the whole dad thing on my mind, I been fighting some emotionally and physical set backs this week. Wednesday, I thought things were getting better. We got our car band aided enough to drive in around town for only $130. My boss lent us his extra vehicle till we get our re-fi done. An appraiser called us to set up his appointment and the bank said we are less than two weeks away from close.

So, with what seems to be a turn of good luck, has now turned into a fall down a steep embankment. Thursday I wake up to what I think is a sty in my eye, painful, but not the end of the world. This morning I woke up and my eye was almost swollen shut. I set some frozen peas on it for a half and hour this morning and this is what it looks like when I first got to work.

From the fuzziness I am starting to see, I think it’s swelling up again though. I called my doctor and spoke with the nurse. She tells me I NEED to come in today because it sounds more like a blocked tear duct rather than a sty. That would explain the massive pain I’m feeling today from the pressure. The good thing is that I already had to go to the doctor but the bad thing is my other “problem” is causing me more pain than my eye (barley). How do I explain this delicately? You see, Thursday morning I also work up to a pain in my butt. Literally! On the outside of my lower “cheek” there was what looked to be a zit on my tush. Throughout the day at work, it became extremely painful and the pressure from sitting on it hurt even worse. By the time I get home, I am in so much pain, I make my poor husband look at it. “Oh S*&%”, he proclaims. “Honey, I think you got bit.” It’s bright red, very stiff, throbbing, hot to the touch and now about the size of a mason jar lid. Of course, it’s right where I sit too. So now I’m having visions of a animal getting it’s temperature taken when I have to show the doctor my wound. How Em-BARE-ASS-ing!! Trust me, it hurts SO BAD, I would do just about anything for some relief.

I think I’m going to switch the wine with vodka for the night!

p.s I’ refrain from a picture of the “other” wound.

Busy

2009-04-20T14:56:00.001-07:00

Started this early last week but forgot to post.

I completed registered for the fall semester but I didn’t sign up for 4 classes, I signed up for 5! I just want to get it over with as fast as possible. My online classes are Macroeconomics, Finite math, Psychology, and Natural Science and then I have Business 494 which is like an independent study. If you need to find me during the months of August-December, check my work first, then check my home computer, and if all those fail, check the LCSC library. The only class that might be somewhat challenging is Finite, but Dom says I won’t have the problems that others have since I’m kind of a natural at math. I already warned him that if he’s wrong, he gets to help. I know that I shouldn’t have much of a problem with the load as long as I practice good time management. It that doesn’t work, there are sacrifices in my social life to be made.

I only have about three weeks left in this semester so the work load has increased a bit. If I can just finish that 14 page paper by Friday, I won’t have any stress to manage. (Well, as least as school is concerned) I’m half done with the paper and have to submit my rough draft by Friday. That still gives me over a week to tweak and fix it after I have 3 people proof read it. (It’s half of the grade in that class) I might try to work write some of it out on our way to Boise Wednesday so I just have to type it when I get back.

This weekend I played soccer mom again with Kendra, Colton, Megan, and Claire. Claire didn’t have any games but the rest of them did. She tagged along since she was bored and it was a great day to be outside. In fact, I should have worn sunscreen. I spent most of the Sunday working on Accounting but managed to get trough 2 assignment.

Wednesday we are taking an overnight trip to Boise to see Ronnie’s favorite comedian, Jeff Dunham. With my final paper, a trip to Boise, and back to work on Friday, it will be a jam packed week.

On Your Mark, Get Set......GO!

2009-04-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have so much on my mind this week. I am to register for fall classes this week and I still have not figured out my move. I have already decided to take more classes next year, but now the question is how many. I was thinking three is the fall and possible 4 in the spring. I really needed some advising on this so I briefly spoke with my counselor yesterday. We talked about the fact that I really didn’t want to take another 6-7 years finishing school part-time but didn’t know my breaking limit. She is encouraging me to take 4 classes with the thought that she couldn’t see my grades falling below B’s with 4 classes. B’s are good grades she reminded me. Here’s the other dilemma. What if this IUI really does work and I do final get pregnant? Can one person really have a full-time job, full-time school, and be a full-time mom? The answer is yes, but I want to be good at them all too. Then again, what if the IUI doesn’t work? At least school keeps my mind off motherhood and I feel like I am fulfilling one of my dreams by completing school.

My head was spinning by the time I left school and my counselor gave me another night to talk to Ronnie before I finished registering. I think I have truly made my husband believe that I am Superwoman. I made a promise to myself when I started school not to bitch to Ronnie about homework/school, and I should just apologize now to my friends that I have detoured the bitching to. Anyway, I told Ronnie my concerns and thoughts about classes and he response “I say do it, you don’t know how to fail.” I so much appreciate his encouragement, but if he only knew how much I really do stress over school. Face it; everyone has their breaking point too. I reminded him that it will consume twice as much time as I already spend on school and the pressure doesn’t always make me in the best mood. His response, “it’s only a couple of years.” Sure, he might sound like the most supportive husband on earth but saying it and living with it are two different things. When I first started school, one of Ronnie’s and I’s weakest moments in our relationship came after I was spending so much time on school but the only time I have is my days off. It was Ronnie’s same days off too and I couldn’t just play like we used to. I was so sidetracked by school, I didn’t even see that I was neglecting my husband’s feeling and he was going through a rough time. Lesson learned, but I don’t want to go down that road again.

So now what? Well I think I am registering for 4 classes. Crazy?....maybe? It takes me all day Sunday to finish all my homework and an occasional Tuesday night. If I double that, there goes my Saturday and possible my social life. At the same time, it could save us a ton of money if I didn’t have time to shop on Saturday’s. If it does turn out to be too much, I can always back it down again it the spring. I keep telling myself that it is all part of my ongoing goal to become a better person.

Now that I have totally worked myself up again, I have a cute little story for you. Tuesday night, Ronnie and I were lying in bed. We usually lay there for 10 minutes getting comfortable. Right before Ronnie falls asleep, he always gives me a kiss. I kept waiting for his kiss but I realized he must really be thinking about something if he’s not ready to fall asleep yet. I ask the dreaded wife question, “Whatcha thinking?” His reply, “Oh, just hoping someday soon, our child will be here lying with us.” Then he leaned over and gave me my kiss. Funny thing is, I was thinking the exact same thing before I ask.

Loving the Sun

2009-04-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

What a great weekend. I got lots done this weekend and spent as much time as I could outside to soak up the sun. It was just what I needed.

Friday night I finished up an English assignment and my niece, Kendra, called to ask if she could spend the night. (I think she needed a time out from her step-mother). Anyway, we went to coffee with the ladies on Saturday morning and I know she was bored, but for that hour and a half, she never complained. She 's a good kid. Than we picked up my nephew to take him to his soccor game. The weather was perfect for a game. My neck even got a little pink from the sun.

After the game, we went to Pat's garden and home depot to pick out some flowers to spruce up the yard. Soon after Ronnie got home and laid half of the brick to line the new driveway. I planted flowers while Kendra watched Ronnie. After dinner, we played a couple of board games (I won all three) and went to bed.

Again, fuzzy since they were taken with my phone.

Sunday was another beautiful day. Kendra and I got a few more gardening items before I took her home. When I got home I took one look at the back yard and felt total overhelmed. I went back inside and picked up the house but knew I needed to start the yard. I thought I would just get a few things done but by the end of the day, all the back yard needs now is mowed. I bet I spent less than 2 hours on it. First I cut back my bed grasses and gathered all the limbs and sticks that had fallen over the winter. I started dinner and got the cassarole ready to put in the oven but we didn't cook it quite yet. We went and played basketball instead. Ronnie and I played three games and I whooped him everytime. He was talking a lot of trash before we went, so at least it shut him up. When we got back home, I put dinner in the oven and went back outside. "Hire a kid" STUPID! I had the whole back yard raked of sticks and pinecone in 15 minutes! Ronnie came out back as soon as I was finished and was shocked I had racked it all. We sat on the back deck and ate dinner and then we both picked up the piles I had racked up. The back yard looks so much better already. Ronnie has the day off so he should get it mowed and the garden tilled today. I can't wait to start planting.

This week is rocketing into a crazy week and I don't see any end in sight. I have an assignment due tomorrow, a five page paper due on Friday, and a long assignment due in Acct. on Sunday. I need to get to the college libary to pick up a few books for my paper. I am suppose to register for fall school this week but havn't even ment with my councilor to sign off on my classes. Ronnie and I also have an appointment this week to finish our home loan refinance. I will be glad when that one is done and I can save an extra $200 a month on our house payment. I'm already tired and it's only Monday.

Spring.....HA!

2009-04-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, you might have woke up to "April Showers" but this is what it looks like form my front window.

Yes, there is already 4-6 inches in Genesee. STUPIED! Where is the sun?

Wind Chime

2009-04-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Here is my wind chime I made the other day at my glass class. I love it for my first project. I used spring colors since I want the spring sun so much.

This is the one Tedi did. It's a bit fuzzy since the picture was taken from my phone. Again, so much fun and I'm already addicted.

Another Not Productive Enough Weekend

2009-03-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

I finished out Friday with my bitchy and crabby mood. I was feeling okay while I was getting my hair done. That was until she was finished. I ask for some highlights and got more blonde than I expected. It's grown on me a bit and Ronnie really likes it but he always like when I go more blonde. When she was done blow drying my hair, my honest self told her I don't like it and it looked grey. I did warn her I was having a bad day, but there's is nothing like the brutal truth. You know me.

So there it is, my much lighter hair.

Saturday I took my accounting test and it was much harder than I had anticipated. I studied for a few hours on Friday night but my crappy mood made it nearly impossible. I woke up to study a few hours before the test but I only pulled a C+. It might have pushed my overall grade to a B but only by a fraction of a percent. I still have 6 weeks to guarantee a A overall in the class so no worries yet.

Ronnie called me soon after my test to tell me he was on his way to the hospital. I wasn't too worried because if it was too serious, he wouldn't be the one calling. I have only had one major scare and that was when a Sargent called me in the middle of the night when Ronnie hit a deer on his way to work. Let me tell you, when your husband is a corrections officer and your phone rings at midnight with the words, this is Sargent so-and-so, it would make any ones heart skip a beat. Anyway, Ronnie HAD to go to the hospital for blood test and will have to continue the blood tests for the next 6 months of so. Apparently, Ronnie was cleaning out an inmates locker and pulled his hand out of the locker to find "something" had poked him and he was bleeding. They were not able to find the object that poked Ronnie so they were just taking precautions. Sometimes, I hate his job.

Ronnie stayed home on Sunday since he was not feeling well. We mostly bummed around the house but I did get some ironing and handwashing done.

I Knew the Sun was Going Away!

2009-03-27T12:02:00.001-07:00

My day started off bad and it just keeps going down from there.

Damn Ronnie takes the car in for an oil change and comes out calling me saying we need a new car… literally! We need brakes, roaders and a new transmission. All that crap is more than the car is worth. He also tells me we need new tires but the tires were 100,000 mile tires and we have only put 25,000 on them. The tire company will only give us 60% of thier value to replace them. I was so excited that we only had a little over a year left to pay off that car. Now we need to trade it in, PISS ME OFF! It makes me in the worst mood every. Guess I’ll just add it to my bills that are piling up from doctors while I’m trying to get pregnant.

Boy I bet Ronnie is glad that I am getting my hair done after work and we will only have a few minutes together before he has to go to bed. How can I study for a test when I am this mad?!!?!?!?!?!?

Where Does All the Time GO

2009-03-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

I love weeks that I have a test in Accounting. Sound weird? Well, when I have a test, it’s only takes 2 hours out of my weekend instead of a whole day. Usually I spend most of Sunday’s finishing my homework but test week = no homework (at least in Acct.) I was hoping, since it’s such a beautiful day outside, I could plant some spring flower this weekend but as I type this, I see the weather forecast calls for 70%+ chances of rain for the next 7 days. I’m tired of all these teases in weather. I want sunny days! Although I have been keeping up with the tons of homework in English, my final paper deadline is creeping upon me so I should spend some time this weekend researching and draft some more on that. Have I mentioned I HATE WRITING! This paper is worth half of our grade in this class so I need to pull an A. The plan is too finish early and have many people, including the writing center, look over it to since the teacher is a Nazi about grammar.

I have been so busy this week. Monday I did our taxes and many others. I had to get them done since I kept promising people. Turbo tax makes it so simple but it’s just taking the time out to sit down and do it. Ronnie and I felt like we are coming up in the world since we final qualified to itemize our taxes but it did make me slightly sick to see how much we paid in interest on our house to qualify. Welcome to being a grownup. The other thing I decided is that I am never going to have a yard sale again. The deduction that is allowed for donating items to charity far surpasses the time and little money you would make off a yard sale. Ronnie gave me such a hard time last year when I wrote out everything we donated but when he saw me input the information into Turbotax; he was ready to donate all our positions to Goodwill.

Tuesday I took a stained glass with my boss’s wife, Tedi, and we made glass wind chimes. It was a ton of fun but the bottle of wine could have contributed to the fun too. I am so excited to see our finished product once the glass is fused. It was a bit of a rush to get there since I had homework due. I got home from work, busted out my homework while Ronnie brought me dinner to the computer, and rushed out of the house. Ronnie had to watch an inmate at the hospital at 2am so he went to sleep when I left at 5:30pm. The class made two LATE nights in a row so I was a bit exhausted Wednesday. Ronnie got home and took a quick power nap before last night before we joined sorority for dinner. At least I didn’t have to make dinner and got to bed by 9 so I’m feeling a bit more energized today. I think the sun is helping with that too.

As far as the rest of the week goes, I think I’ll ask my brother over this weekend for some beers and dinner. He called me super upset yesterday and I always feel so helpless. I know he just needs someone to talk to but I just want to fix it for him. I still love that I am his “venting person”. It always reminds me on how lucky I am to have a great relationship with him now. I just wish mom could have seen that before she passed.

I really can’t get the Tulip Festival out of my mind. I really want to go but Ronnie can’t go since he no longer has weekends off anymore. Can you imagine the pictures I could get with acres of tulips? I’m thinking I might have to give my aunt a call in Bremerton and take an extended day off for the weekend and just head over by myself. I’m sure I could drag my aunt on a drive up there with me plus I always love being around family.

Speaking of being around family, Ronnie and I are seriously considering moving to Portland once I am done with school especially if Orofino’s prison goes private. I always wanted to move to the Portland area when I graduated from High School but things changed once Ronnie and I started seriously dating. The only reservation I have with moving away is being so far from my brother but graduation is a ways off from making any decisions now.

Sick of Sickness

2009-03-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

Monday I visited mom’s grave since it was her birthday. I usually go with Ronnie but he stayed home this time. Every time I visit her, I catch her up with what is going on in our lives…Dom’s too. I ask her to look over us both and let her know how much I love her and miss her. I have to admit that the hairs on my arms stood up when I was there. While I was rambling to the headstone, a break in bad weather came and a ray of sunshine peaked through onto the grounds. It made me smile.

Tuesday I came to work and realized I wasn’t wearing any green even though I had thought of it many times the day before. I even had my outfit picked out in my mind. I actually got pinched from some school girls that stopped to hoard my candy dish. I did get a chuckle when I noticed that everything Ronnie had put in my lunch was green….grapes, kiwi, an apple, and some cucumbers.

The last couple of nights I have spent organizing some paper work and records. I still had not purged 2008 receipts from my main filing drawer but I should get that finished tonight. You know me; Martha Stewart Jr. has to have everything in its own alphabetical file, in date order, with printed labels. This reminds me that I need to visit Amberger and help her organize the boy’s room. She asked me a while ago and I forgot. I LOVE to organize, especially when it’s not my stuff.

So I’m still not feeling very good. Ronnie and I were talking and we both realized that I have either had the flu or a cold since Thanksgiving….sometimes both. I haven’t even slept in the same bed as my husband because my coughing is keeping us both awake at night. I have been coughing so hard lately that I have almost made myself puke and I pinched a nerve in my neck which shots pain through my body every time I cough. I also have been getting headaches from both the coughing and the pinched nerve. I am so TIRED OF BEING SICK!

I am so excited that spring starts tomorrow. That means it’s almost time to plant in the garden. I think I will get a few flowers potted this weekend.

Bad Day

2009-03-12T08:13:00.001-07:00

I feel like crap! I tried to go to bed at 8:00 last night after I had taken some NyQuil around 7:30. Finial at 10:00, I took 2 more and fell asleep about an hour later. Ronnie didn't even sleep in the same bed as me. I coughed all night long.
Today I am exhausted and sick to my stomach. I FEEL LIKE CRAP!!!

Moving Forward

2009-03-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

I’m sure most of you might be wondering about our appointment yesterday. Once again, our meeting with our doctor has confirmed that we have picked the right guy for the job. His willingness to help us, answers all of our questions, and save us any money is beyond his call of duty. Even his staff is comforting and informative.

We have always had the same medical aid bring us in our room and she is a kick in the pants. On one of the questionnaires it ask if I drink and how much. I put 2 glasses of wine a week. She asks,” have you still been drinking while you have been trying to conceive?” I said, “Yeah, we’ve been trying for 14 months.” She looked back and said, I think I would start drinking more if I had been trying that long. Ronnie was studying a diagram of a woman’s reproductive organs before the doctor came in and I ask Ronnie if he was mapping out a plan so he could have a pep talk with his “boys”.

We had new numbers from our most recent tests. Some numbers went up, which is always good, and some numbers went alarming down. Another number that went down was the cost. The procedure is almost a fourth of the cost we had estimated and this was the most exciting part of our appointment. Considering the procedure may need to be repeated 2, 3, maybe 6 times, we won’t send ourselves into bankruptcy trying to conceive. Ronnie was visible excited after we were told the cost. He was as excited as a 6 year old on his birthday.

We learned a ton about how the procedure works, but I was shocked to find out that it can be painful. Luckily the pain is only about 15 minutes and in comparison of what we are trying to achieve, will be nothing to the pain that I will endure when I am actually giving birth.

We have set a timeline of when the procedures will take place but this is where my details will become sparse. Ronnie and I have talked about our decision and have come to the conclusion that we will NOT be sharing when our procedures take place. We do not want a permanent question mark over our heads when we walk into a room. We don’t want the whispers when we leave a room or people feeling sorry for us knowing a procedure did not work. We both know that the disappointment that will come after each procedure followed by a negative pregnancy test will only become harder each time. For all this reason, we don’t want this to consume our lives and have it be the topic of conversation with friends. I will tell you, we are both in this for the long haul.

As far as the procedure, it is all an organized chaos. We will only know a day, maybe two, before the procedure will take place. Ronnie will have to submit a “donation” (LMAO) an hour before I am scheduled. The sperm will be washed of all foreign substances and the stupid sperm, the ones with no sense of direction, will be washed as well. The remaining sperm with be injected next to my uterus with a long catheter. This procedure is referred as IUI.

I looked at the pregnancy rate with this procedure today and most sites average 15% conceptions for each procedure and a 60-70% over 6 months of treatments. The only thing that has me worried now is that most sites suggested IVF for our problem. We will just have to let this one play its course. I did come across one article that showed the study of men who quit smoking. Some of their counts rose as much as 800% after they quit. I couldn’t be happier now that Ronnie has just hit his week without nicotine.

Our Choice

2009-03-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well, after sharing my fears to a friend this morning, I’m ready to share with the world our choice with our fertility. (Well, I think an am)

The doctor, Ronnie and I will be meeting together on Tuesday to move forward with our plan. Our plan is to move forth with insemination. It was kind of a shock getting the phone call from a doctor saying, we need to move forward with insemination. We both didn’t know how to react. Our last doctor took so much time with no answers. She would only suggest more test so hearing these words after one appointment sent us into a bit of shock.

Now, I think were both scared. Although the cost in minimum compared to invitro, it will still be expensive. Our biggest fear is the fear of disappointment. We both know it is not guaranteed to take the first time let alone it might not work at all. The disappointment every month is the hardest part emotional; I can only imagine that it will get worse with this procedure.

Making such a life decision, it also makes me miss my mom. Her birthday is a few days away and I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s just another time in my life that I want my mom. It’s not like I can call my brother and pour out all this emotional girl stuff I am going through. Well I could but let just say AWKWARD!

There it is, like it or not, our choice. We are so happy, scared, and excited. I will share more after I know more at our appointment on Tuesday.

A Start

2009-03-05T08:41:00.001-08:00

I am so proud of my husband. He went a whole day without nicotine. (Well, besides what he is getting in his patch). This is the first time in over 10 years that he has gone a full day without chewing or smoking a cigarette. It’s only one day, but it’s a good start. He took the patch off before we went to bed and around 2 in the morning, his body was shaky. I hope that passes soon.

I’m driving to work today and the radio announces a winter storm warning. Sure enough, I hit the top of the hill and it’s snowing. The Palouse could receive 3-6 inches and it’s expected to keep spitting snow till Wednesday up here. Stupid ground hog!

Well, I’ve kind of had to have the baby news settle before I shared. I still don’t know if I am ready to come out with the choice that Ronnie, I, and the doctor have come to. I feel that I am a very open person and believe that talking about lives situations is always beneficial. With that said, this new obstacle in our life is one that I am starting to lock behind our own doors. Why is this? Why now am I shutting off? Part of the reason might be that we really know little information until the 10th of this month. We have made a decision, but will learn all the details then.

My Two Cents

2009-03-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

I usually don’t get too political on this blog but I have to vent about government entities that are pissing me off with this stimulus package. I am not arguing the point whether I agree with the stimulation to the economy leaving the next generation with trillions of dollars worth of debt. I know something has to be done about the economy but all the whining by the government on the stipulations that comes with the money. Come on.

Case in point:
Spokane fire department found a grant from the stimulus package to hire two NEW fire fighters. In the grant, it states that the package will pay the first two years of the employee’s wages but they are required to keep the employee for 5 years. That means that after the first two years, Spokane would HAVE to pay the employee’s wages and could not let them go for economical reasons. Many of the grants are stated this same way. Spokane has decided not to take the grant because it will cost them more money than they would receive. This makes me crazy!

We need long term jobs to recover, not temporary! The point of the stimulus is to get the economy back on its feet. What do you think would happen if 1 million jobs were created with the stimulus and supplied the money for 2 years with no stipulations? In two years, all of those companies would lay off those workers and we would be right back in the same situation we are in now, but just that much farther in debt.

Yesterday there was an article in the Lewiston Morning Tribune about the senator of Idaho saying the state could lose 14.1 million dollars in tax revenue due to the federal stimulus bill. It is estimated that Idaho will receive around 1 BILLION dollars of the stimulus money and the are bitching about 14.1 million. I don’t get it. If someone offered you a hundred dollar bill in exchange for 14 dollars, would you complain?

Yes, I'm Alive

2009-03-02T15:02:00.001-08:00

I know, I’m probably in trouble with the blogging world. I can’t stand when the bloggers I follow don’t give me updates, but then I leave you hanging for close to a month. Ouch, a month, I know.

I have so much to write about and so little considering it’s been a month. First of all, Ronnie and I are awesome. We are both worrying about life more than we have in the past. It looks like the prison might be switching to private and due to medical bills and other unexpected expenses we are broke. We are such a good team anymore; we know we will overcome all the “small stuff”. We have received big news in the baby making department but I will tell you all about that in the next couple of days. (Just for the record, we are NOT pregnant…yet) *Stay tuned*

My aunt Mona and Garrett visited mid February. I was a little nervous seeing Mona for the first time post the Russia trip. I know that dealing with our own fertility issues, when people try to comfort you, they just end up pissing you off. Case and point, “things happen for a reason”. PUKE! During the weekend, Mona was telling us a story about some psycho kid from her school (she’s a principal). The kid was trying to be hurtful to Mona and while she was writing up paperwork for his expulsion, he says to her, “I heard that they took a child away from you in Russia.” (Not in a nice way) She told us she had to leave immediately and had security take him off the grounds. She said it was the first time she had sobbed since leaving Russia. I spoke from my heart and told her that I know, only now, the desire to be a mother. The feeling when everyone around you is enjoying their children and watching them grow, laugh and look up to you as their “hero”. I have felt the sadness of looking into a child’s eyes and wanting so badly for a child of my own, that it has literally caused uncontrollable tears to flow down my checks. I can’t begin to understand the path she was lead down turning out so devastating.

Ronnie took the Sunday that they we’re in town off work. We all spent the day at the nature park, Castle Park, and a dinner with my g-ma, Dom, and Claire. Since my mom has passed, I love being surrounded by family. I love the feeling of being hugged by my aunts and surrounded by the people who love me unconditionally. We all had a great time but boy; Ronnie and I were exhausted after they left. We are going to need some endurance training before we have our own child if we ever plan on surviving.

Claire was in her school’s play Sleeping Beauty last week. It was so funny to watch 2nd-6th graders “act”. We laughed most of the play at all the incidents like this little girl had a costume change and when she came back on stage for her dance, the back of her long dress was stuck in her underwear. Her mom had her hands over her eyes the whole dance. Ronnie even had a good time although he never complained about going in the first place.

Last Thursday, we went to the Brad Paisley and Dierks Bentley concert. Ronnie’s sister, Mandi, tagged along and we all had a great time. We had front row tickets therefore none of us could hear or even talk for that matter after it was all over. The concert lasted longer than any of us expected so we weren’t on the road for home till midnight. We also had to stop back by Genesee to drive home the pickup so that put me in bed at 2:15am. Ronnie said that he thought I feel asleep before I even hit the bed and 5:30 came awful early. I felt as if I had just shut my eyes when my alarm started screaming at me. I made it through the entire day with no complaints but I crashed hard the minute I walked into the door at home.

Before the concert, we were having a few drinks in the restaurant/bar area in the arena. It was surprisingly really nice and inexpensive with a fire place and comfy seating. Mandi gave Ronnie her tickets to see Jeff Dunham in Boise next month. He is Ronnie’s favorite comedian. He is the comedian with all the puppets (like peanut, Achmed, and Bubba) on Comedy Central. The bad thing is that I am going to have to take off two days from work just to go. Good thing my vacation, what little I get, just renewed.

Other than all that, most of my time has been consumed with school. Accounting and English both have been kicking my butt this semester. The homework load CRAZY. It has made my anxiety levels skyrockets the last couple of weeks. I am glad to get these classes done this semester before I add more classes to my load though. Yes, I still plan on taking more classes next semester. Since Ronnie does not have weekends off any longer, I am home all weekend doing homework in an empty house. It might sounds like an easy way to get homework done, but it’s actually, really depressing. I am usually at work all week, all by myself with no one to talk to and now, it’s the same on the weekends. They say that a women needs to get 10 thousand words a day but I don’t think I even say that many in a week and we all know how much I like to talk.

Sorry for the flood of pictures!

At Last

2009-02-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

I am so relieved after yesterday’s doctor’s appointment. I was so impressed by Dr. Urquhart and his willingness to help us. He appeared very excited to tackle our obstacles and even seemed to enjoy the challenge. I swear Ronnie and I were doing cartwheels out of the office.

I knew in the first few minutes of meeting Dr. Urquhart that he had only our best interest in mind. He had read my entire medical chart days before our appointment. (I have to thank Amber for sparking his interest in that) I was shocked when we were reviewing my medical history and he already knew about my heart condition.

We went over different options but he also was conscious of prices that could impact our decisions. He said that from previous testing, he can see that I am ovulating and producing eggs. Since I am producing healthy eggs, there is no use for fertility drugs. I was SO relieved to hear this. I do not want to be the mother of 6 babies’ overnight. One, maybe two is enough. He only suggested one more test that I should possibly consider, but followed his statement by “if we even get to that there.” That test is only $400 which seems minimal compared to the thousands we would be facing with a full workup.

He pulled out a piece of paper and labeled it “The Plan”. #1 - He wrote out the test we are now waiting for results on. #2- He wrote a possible consult with the Urologist if Ronnie’s test comes back worse than past results. He said he would call the Urologist first to even find out if it is worth our time and money to have a consult. He also listed what options we would take pending the results of our new test. #3 – Possible insemination at Valley Medical…yes he can do that right from his office. He reminded us again that we might not even have to go that far.

Within the next two weeks or so, we should have the results of our pending test and be ready to take the next course of action. I going to be a mama before long, I just know it.

It's Been Awhile

2009-02-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

For no reason, other than I’ve been so busy, I have taking a long break from blogging. Like many other people, my blog is my way of writing my feelings down. In turn, it makes for a good complaint board. I know I’m dealing with some issues, but I don’t feel like I have any place to bitch. Sure school is hard, but it was MY choice to go back. Ronnie and I want a child, but we are lucky to have each other and such a strong bond. Finances are getting really tight but at this time, we are both so lucky to have jobs. I am being pulled so many directions this last couple of weeks, but they are all my choice and they will only make me a better person.

School is kicking my ass. Although my grades are back up to A’s, I am in disbelief to tell you I DID have a C in accounting. You see, the first two assignments I had in accounting were due the weekend I got the flu. I only turned in one of the assignment of the two. I have since turned in 4 other assignments and my case study bringing my grade back where it needs to stay. My English class is not necessarily hard, but it’s pretty work intensive. We are supposed to give feedback on the papers in my group but that is close to impossible. I have three people in my group and every one of them are….well let’s say, interesting. One guy never turns in his assignments to review. Another anti-social guy refuses to talk with a person so he interviewed a book for paper that is designed around an interview. This same guy’s paper is why the internet is the reason for the economic downfall. He’s says he can’t find much information on the subject because the government is blocking his access. (Weird) The last girl in my group works for the Lewiston School Dist. as a teacher’s aid and she is a complete idiot. She submitted ¾ of a page for our argument essay that was supposed to be 3 pages. We were required to write the co-argument after supporting our thesis. Instead she wrote “I know there are some other opinions on this but I don’t want to dwell on the bad stuff”. This is a college paper were taking about and this women works in the school system.

This afternoon, Ronnie and I will visit with a new OB about our fertility issue. Yes, we were dumped by our other OB. Poor Ronnie got called into work early this morning and had to get out of bed shortly after midnight. He also is suppose to have a 4 hour training after work but now he’s going to go back to Orofino and his day off tomorrow so he can make our appointment today. I gave him the pass to miss the appointment today but he refused the offer. He told me he didn’t want anyone, especially a doctor, to have any reason to believe that we weren’t in this together. He also said he would work all of his days off the week if it meant that he could be at this appointment. Although I was giving him a pass, I’m so glad he’ll be there with me. I love that man.

Mona and Garrett are flying in Friday so that means I only have a couple more days to get my house ready. I will be waiting in pajama to pick them up since there flight is to arrive at midnight. They will be staying with us tell Monday. I’m a little anxious to see Mona since this will be the first time post-Russia. I’m just at a loss of words to help console. I can only now start to understand the deep desire of motherhood and the pain that comes with the absence. She is so lucky to have Garrett.

Finally

2009-02-03T12:18:00.000-08:00

The alarm went off at 4:20 this morning as normal and I laid in bed as normal. For the next 10 minutes I kept repeating in my head "Get up and go work out." You'll never believe what happened after that. I got up, packed my bag, and left for the gym. Yes, I final made it to a morning workout. Although I yawned almost every other second in the first half hour, I felt so great this morning.

After my first morning workout, I have learned 4 lessons:

If you plan on using the shower after your workout, you should also pack a towel if you plan on drying off.
Pack a hair brush so that you don't look like a scrub at work.
Bring flip-flops for the shower cause I don't know what is all growing in there.
Eat breakfast before you go (I was dying of hunger)

omFg

2009-01-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting at my desk at work and saw something out of the corner of my eye. I stood up and looked over my printer, and a f&^$*%*^& mouse was looking back at me. I HATE MICE. They are SO GROSS. I HATE MICE!!!

I ran into the office connected to mice only by a sliding glass door. I called Brad, one of the owner's who I knew was in town. "Brad, what are you doing." He say just hanging out at the house. "Well, you know how you said if anything came up, just call." He replies sure what's up. "THERE IS A MOUSE on my desk." He so nicely say, "I'll be right there."

Luckily, Brad only lives 2 blocks away. So I'm waiting in his office for Brad to rescue me and the mouse comes around the corner to run into Brad's office. (I swear he flipped me off too) I SCREAM and he ran back under Jay's desk. I slammed the sliding glass door and was looking around as if mice were going to start falling from the ceiling. Brad arrives and get a chuckle as he see me waiting behind the glass. I told him where the mouse last was. He pulls out the bottom drawer and the mouse goes running against the sliding glass door. I scream out again and Brad tries to grab the mouse with his gloves on. It barely squeezes out before Brad can capture it. He tries for a few more minutes but the mouse is now nowhere to be found. It was only like 1 so I spent most of the rest of the day listening and jumping anything I thought I saw something move.

You will be glad to know that there was a dead mouse in the trap on Monday morning but only after he shit ALL over my desk.

I HATE MICE!!!

"Era of Responsibility"

2009-01-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

Back posted from Jan 20th.

What a beautiful day! Although I am still feeling under the weather, I feel so inspired by the ingratiation of our new President. Today is a day that our children's children will read in the history books. I can't wait to tell my children someday that I was part of the time when we changed history. To tell them that did not choose Obama because he was a black man, but because he was the right man.

I had tears in my eyes when President Obama repeated the words of his oath. What a wonderful day that we can truly tell the next generation that they can be anything they want to be and have proof to show them.

My three favorite sayings in today's speech:

"Era of responsibility"

"Hope over fear"

"Everywhere we look, there is work to be done"

Happy Birthday Burger!!!

2009-01-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday dear Amber,

Happy Bithday to youoooooooo

Never

2009-01-19T09:16:00.001-08:00

I have NEVER had the flu as bad as I had on Sunday. I pucked and pucked and spent most of the night on the toilet. I weighed myself on Thursday and again on Sunday night and I had dropped 6 pounds. 6 POUNDS. I can deal with the flu but my stomach had never hurt as bad as it did Sunday. It felt like someone was squeezing my intestines.

The prison, where Ronnie works, had this flu so bad, they had to quarantine 80 prisoners. Of course, two days later Ronnie woke up this it. I was so careful to avoid this flu. I didn't even sleep in the same bed as Ronnie on Friday. Saturday, I attended the Wasem's funeral. I saw many people I hadn't in years so I passed around many hugs. I came home and my tummy started rumbling. I keep telling Ronnie and he tired to convince me that I couldn't have what he did. He said that I would just have a headache and than it would hit. Well at 11:30 it hit without the headache. All I can now think about is all those people I touched. I feel like I might have just unleashed the plague.

This is the THIRD time in the last three months that I have had the flu. I am now home after going to work just to complete payroll. I feel so much better today with just a few rumbles in the tummy. I didn't stay at work because I really didn't want to pass this bug. Ronnie truly did feel bad that I got so sick. I'm still recovering from a cold and I'm so tired of being sick. The only good is over the last 3 months of being sick, I have lost 20 pounds and been able to keep all most all of it off. Even though I am forcing myself to exercise, I would much rather exercise 2 hours a day than puck one more time.

The Paper Hits Again

2009-01-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up at 4:30 to work out but had to go to Wal-mart instead. Kitty had tubes put in his neck yesterday and they look REALLY bad. They probably cut 6-8 inches of his neck to set the tubes with big stitches. He looks like Franken-kitty. I decided to keep him in the house all day but we don't have a litter box. I made the store run and headed to work.

I got to work and was bombarded with questions about Ronnie's job. I had no idea what they were talking about. There is an article in the paper making the announcement that the Orofino prison is considering turning private. I e-mailed Ronnie and he said that no employees knew about it until this morning either. He doesn't seemed too worried but you never know. The inmates are pissed and, I'm sure, are already threatening to riot. The good news is that Ronnie wouldn't necessary be out of a job but he would lose his state benefits and possibly have to take a pay cut. He doesn't get paid all that great but the benefits helped make up for it. I worry, but I am just truly thankful we both have jobs at this point.

There Goes my Social Life

2009-01-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was back to school. I am taking Pric. of Accounting II and Research Writing 102 (Both are required classes) The accounting class is a continue from last semester but the only difference is there is a lot of case studies of corporate accounts. The owner's wife says it's much more challenging but I still expect to do well. As far as my research writing class, I am scared out of my wits. The first thing she wrote on the syllabus is that 50% of people will fail. I'm not necessarily scared of failing but I am scared to get a C. She goes on to tell us that we will be required to read the chapters in our text book more than once and we are expected to write EVERYDAY. Are you kidding me? This isn't Harvard lady. I HATE writing and have no confidence when it come to writing and grammar. My only saving grace in the class is that the owner's wife is a great writer and wants to help me. I just wish I could convince her to write the papers for me.

After I read the syllabus, I headed home to meet Ronnie so we could take our cat to the vet. Sure enough, he needed tubes put in the puncture wound and updated shots. We left the cat and 200 + dollars at the vet. I love our cat but I will admit that he is a shit and I'm not sure if he's even worth that.

We ended the night with a two hour presentation of a Rainbow Vacuum thanks to some friends who just bought one and needed 4 people to listen to his spill to get the shampooer free. Man, they owe us. The Rainbow is great, but not $2000 great. That's 1/5 of the amount of invetro. He didn't leave our house till 9:00 and our new bedtime with Ronnie on days is 8:30. The salesman was nice but he wasn't very happy when I wouldn't give him 8 of our friends phone numbers. He even suggested that I call my friends to let them know he would be calling. Sorry buddy, but I'm not going to take the time to book appointment for you.

I'm still battling this stupid cold. I feel pretty good in the day but I stay up half the night coughing. I still have not gone back to the gym yet. I told Ronnie today that he has to make me get up tomorrow morning and go despite the lack of sleep.

Well S*&%

2009-01-08T07:50:00.001-08:00

I have been so motivated lately to improve my life. Ronnie and I went to the gym on Saturday and got my membership all started. The plan was to start on Monday. Well due to crappy weather, that did not happen. Tuesday was out since I had sorority. Yesterday, I packed my gym bag and uploaded a bunch of dance type songs on my ipod. The only problem is that I had a cold. I convinced myself that I was just making excuses and I NEEDED to go to the gym, besides, it's just a little cold. I thought that I would only work out for about 20 minutes on the elliptical machine. I know it doesn't sound like much but just going is half the battle.

So I get to the gym, and it's packed (note to self: better to come in the morning when the cute skinny girls aren't off work yet). I also notice that one of my good friend's car was in the parking lot. I love this girl, but she has a banging body and works out every other day for the last 10 years. I walk in the club and see her running on the tread mill. (You won't catch my ass for quite awhile doing that) I stop and tell her right away that I'm not feeling good and don't plan to stay long. I thought it was better to up front than her watching me work out 20 minutes and then leave. I worked out on the elliptical for 20 minutes and thought to myself, push yourself! Do 30 minutes. Again I think "Okay, a half hour, now I don't look like such an idiot and it's a good start." I said a good-bye to my friend (who was still on the treadmill, B*&$%).

As I got into my pickup I felt good that I had decided to push myself and had stop making excuses. On the drive home I felt my chest tighten. I walked into the house and opened my mouth to greet my husband.... nothing, not one sound came out.

S*&%! I sat down and started coughing. You know, the kind of cough that hurts your ribs. I started dinner and jumped into the shower. I felt a bit more relaxed after my shower. I ate dinner and the coughing started back up. Every minute I felt worse and worse. My back ached, my chest feels like someone is sitting on it. I grabbed the thermometer to find out I have a temperature of 99.9 (which I usually run around 97 normally) By 7:30, I got shaky and decided it was time to lay in bed. Ronnie brought me some tea, cough drops, and Tylenol and left shortly after for work.

I fell asleep around 10:30 and slept most of the night. I did wake up around 11:00 drenched in sweat. I had no choice but to come to work this morning. My boss is back from vacation and I am still slammed with work (oh, and he just got a call from WA Dept of Ecog. saying he was being fined $500 for letting one of his certifications expire....Welcome back!). I'm now popping Day-Quil (which makes you feel on crack) every 4 hours to get through the day. I feel like someone is still sitting on my chest and thumping me in the head.

Call it an excuse, but I am NOT going to the gym tonight.

No Complaints

2009-01-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, Okay...

Last night, when I laid in bed, I realized that my hopes for 2009 are proceeding as planned. I am SO happy with the direction Ronnie and I are heading. The laughing and love is coming without effort. We have been giggling together, joking more, smiling more and loving more. There is nothing that makes me feel better than to see his continues smile. I feel like were a team, with the same goal. I'm floating again, and that feeling is long over due.

Last night, I was watching Oprah's "Live Your Best Life" series. I'm looking for inspiration all around me. I was really looking forward to the weight segment. Her series reminded me that people over eat because they are hungry for something in life. I agree that people learn to survive instead of learn to be happy. We need to make our self a priority. Nobody can love you harder than you love yourself. It's not about being thin for me, it's about loving myself and the skin I'm in. Having the confidence to do whatever I want.

I bought a membership to the gym and had plans for my first workout last night. Unfortunately, with the snow, I stayed late at work and we had already made plans for the evening. Tonight, I have sorority so Wednesday is the first day.

Ronnie took yesterday and today off so we could hang out in the evenings. It's too bad I forgot about sorority before he made those plans. It's still nice to have him in the house at night. That only leaves Wednesday and Thursday night of sleeping alone and then, he's mine. I'm SO happy to have him in bed every night but I will miss our weekends together. The nice thing about his new schedule is that he will have to wake up at 4:30am every morning. (Okay, I just said nice and 4:30 in the same sentence but it does have it's benefits.) I will wake up with him every morning, get my workout in, and head to work. He plans on working out a half an hour every evening, after work, at his work's gym. That means we will be leaving home at the same time, getting home at the same time, and going to bed at the same time. That also give me the whole weekend to work on homework and scrap booking. I have decided to bump up my credit for the fall semester to keep my weekends occupied and keep me from shopping. (That's what I usually do when I'm by myself and bored) I'll move form 6 credits to 9 and see how that goes. If all goes well, I might bump it to 12 by next spring. At that rate, maybe I will graduate before 2020.

So today is another busy day with end-of-year accounting and dealing with the mounds of snow in Genesee but it wont get my spirit down. (Although some JERK just bitched me out that he has to make a living and he needs us to get him out of his driveway NOW. I reminded him that I have 3 pages people who are stuck at home. I think that just qualified him to a new position at the bottom of my list. HA! I might suggest next time that he moves to Mexico, where it doesn't snow. You live in Northern Idaho idiot, deal with it) Anyway, I might feel different tomorrow but for now I'm enjoying this empowering inspiration that has taken over my body.

This year is going to rock. I just feel it.
Oh my gawd! Is that optimism I hear?

It's a Working Progress

2009-01-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

So my big goal of 2009 is to become more optimistic. The snow outside it making it a bit hard to fulfill that goal. I had to work this morning since it's dumping on the palouse. Now it's a frinking whiteout and I can't leave even though it's time for me to. Not only that but the snow screwed up all our plans for the weekend. STUPID FLIPPING SNOW! I want to be home!

Wait, wait positive thinking. I am SO happy today that I'm not hanging out in a snow bank. = )

Welcome 2009

2009-01-01T11:36:00.000-08:00

It's finally here. 2009. A time for change. I really couldn't be happier about that.

Last night was pretty uneventful. I just hope that saying about what you do on New Years will pretty much be what that year looks like. I was home alone and bored. Ronnie did call but he was a minute late (as usually).

I couldn't finish this blog without extending a congratulations to the Larreau's. We love you guys!

Another Prayer to Get Through the Day

2008-12-31T16:59:00.000-08:00

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15

Lord, I want to do the right thing, not just for me, but for my friends. Do not let my heartbreak overshadow their joy. Thank you that You have a plan to bless us and see me through whatever heartache we feel. Please continue to move us toward the day when we, too, will celebrate the blessings of our own child.

A New Start

2008-12-31T07:57:00.001-08:00

A new start. A due over. That's the feeling I like about the new year. It's not about those pesky new years resolutions that no one follows through with, but it definitely forces me to reflect on those changes in my life that I still want to make. I wish I could wake up everyday with the feeling that "today is the first day of the rest of your life" but who really does that? (although we all should start)

Last year I was very vocal about the fact I couldn't wait for 2007 to be over with. 3 days into 2007 my mom died and I knew than that it wasn't going to be a good year. Well, at least that how I looked at it. More than once this year I had heard the words from other people who have said that I have took my mom's death too hard and have never got over it. Well, there is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her and I will never get over it nor do I want to. I feel cheated with the lack of time on earth that I got with her and I'm pissed that most of that time I did get was spent with her so sick. I don't even want to get into the part about my ex-father. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who look at their glass half empty. I am slightly pissed off at the world. I get tired of people telling me that I just need to think positive because sometimes it's just not possible. I know it's not the "right" attitude and it's not the attitude I want either, but it's not like you just flip a optimistic switch.

With that all said, I do feel like that glass is getting fuller. Looking back at 2007 I can now see some great blessings in my life. We bought our first house 6 days after my 26 Birthday. My mom was 56 when she bought her first house and I knew she would have been proud. One of the best things to come out of 2007 was the relationship with my brother. Growing up 7 years apart, we were never that close. That has changed so much. Do you know have nice it is to have your brother call you just to tell you he is having a bad day? I am SO happy I can be that for him. Even 2007 ended on such a great note. Ronnie and I had such a magical 2nd anniversary in Leavenworth. Okay, so it took me two years to get to my "happy place" in 2007 but at least I got there.

Now I am left to reflect on 2008. Let's get the shitting parts over with first. 3 days into 2008, my dog went missing. Ronnie and I had some obstacles to overcome in our marriage. My other dog that has been a part of my life for the last 15 years was giving two months to live. And 2008 wouldn't be complete without that infertility issue that clouded over our heads the whole year. (It was more like a lighting cloud that keep zapping me in the ass) I can remember saying in February, "I won't be able to drink at our get-together in April cause I better be pregnant by than." HA!

2008 also brought the start of change. I finally went back to school after 6 years of wishing. It is slightly discouraging now that it is taking so long to finish but I try to remind myself that the hardest part is done. I'm doing it and it doesn't matter how long it takes. Straight A's! Yes, it's only two classes but I couldn't be more proud of myself. I also got out of a job I H-A-T-E-D. Now I am happy in my little office and where I tell the owner daily to quit his whining. Although Ronnie and I hit some bumps this year, it got us talking again and made us more focused some real issues that we tried to ignore.

Now, a new start. Time to wipe to slate clean once again. The top things I am looking forward to in 2009: (NOT RESOLUTIONS!)

Getting pregnant
Becoming healthier (mind, body, and soul)
School and switching to full time in the fall
Nights in bed with my husband
More scrapbooks
Finances under better control
Get my photography off the ground
Love more
Laugh more
Live more

So what's the big plans to ring in the new year for me tonight.........alone and maybe by than, sleeping? Ronnie works tonight so I guess I will be kiss my dog Lula at midnight. Sound fun? (Ya, can you say DEPRESSING?!)

On a final note. We were reminded again today that we are not pregnant. My prayer for the hard day:

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Deuteronomy 31:8

Lord, having a child is out of our control, yet You ask us to not be afraid nor discouraged - and this is so hard! We don't know what the future holds and we feel so helpless over the events yet to unfold. You've seen our future and You tell us we don't need to feel fear or discouragement. Please help make that a reality of us today! Give us confidence and encouragement.

GO ME

2008-12-23T14:00:00.001-08:00

I got my grades back. I GOT STRAIGHT A's!

Score

2008-12-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

During our stay in Coeur d'Alene, I left my pillow at the hotel but before I can go on with this story, I must tell you about this pillow.

I have had this pillow since I was two years old. It is so old that the fabric started to disintegrate. Years ago I tried to glue the fabric together but eventually the fabric came off. Now it just looks like disgustingly large mass of lint in a pillow case. Amber is my only friend who has scene this pillow and she and my mother laughed their asses off when the lent/stuffing feel out on our road trip to Portland. I can tell you that Amber is thinking even as she reads this "You still have the gross thing?". Ronnie and I now refer to it as "Man pillow". I think Ronnie started naming it that soon after we moved in together because he says I cuddle up to it as if it was a man laying next to me. Really, he's just jealous of the man pillow. I take this pillow even when I travel but it is slightly embarrassing so I usually hide it in my suitcase.

Back to my original story. Thursday night when we had just checked into the Spokane hotel I realized we had left my pillow in CDA. I accused Ronnie of leaving it on purpose although he swore it was an accident. Ronnie got on the phone and called the hotel. The desk clerk said she would have the head house keeper call us in the morning. Ronnie tried to prepare me for the worst. We both knew that even if a housekeeper had came across it, they would have thought is was trash. I was so upset, Ronnie even offered to drive back to CDA Friday morning and go through the trash.

By Sunday I had giving up all hope. Nobody had called from the hotel. While I was at work on Monday, Ronnie called the hotel again. Guess what, THEY FOUND MAN PILLOW! Ronnie gave them our credit card number and had them charge the postage and send it back. He texted me mid afternoon to tell me he was the best husband in the world.

Last night, I get home, and the box was on the doorstep. As I picked up the box to rip it open, I noticed it was pretty heavy for a pillow. The outside said it weighed 7 pounds. "Bastards gouged me on shipping" I thought. It didn't matter because I was going to be reunited with Man Pillow. I opened the box to find my pillow surrounded by Styrofoam peanuts. Little excessive for a pillow? I pulled out my pillow to find something underneath. It a pair of men's size 11 Doc Martin shoes. Who the hell are these and what did they do with the person who owns them?

I called the hotel again to let them know that I had a extra gift in my box. They again took down my name and number and said they would have the manager call me in the morning. Now, you can all make fun of this pillow all you want but I tell you that thing is like a lucky charm. I might even start caring it around like Linis does on Charlie Brown. I just got off the phone with the manager and she tells me that they have refunded our credit card for all the shipping charges. She also let me know that UPS will pick it up from our front porch. Then she tells me that they are sending us a frees night stay in their deluxe suite for all our trouble. HA! Little did they know that I would have paid $100 to get that pillow back.

Christmas Tag

2008-12-16T11:13:00.000-08:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, where is the fun if you can't rip off the paper?
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real, I need the smell and Ronnie insists
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually the 2nd weekend after Thanksgiving
4. When do you take the tree down? Ronnie rips it down the day after Christmas while I'm gone
5. Do you like eggnog? No, it's too thick
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hummm, my dog Lula
7. Hardest person to buy for? My brother
8. Easiest person to buy for? Claire
9. Own a Nativity scene? I wish but I'm waiting for the right one
10. Mail or email Christmas cards ? Usually mail but I just ran out of time this year with school
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Ronnie got a can of cat food from my g-ma a couple of years ago
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Story......You'll shoot your eye out!
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually October but not this year, I just started last week.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Most likely
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Peppermint Ice cream with chocolate sauce
16. Lights on the tree? 100 white lights for every foot of tree (recommended by Martha Stewart)
17. Favorite Christmas song? Baby it's cold outside
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home, all of our my lives in town
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? I think
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? This year it's a snowflake
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Depends on who we are with and when we are celebrating
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The crowds of people
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Gold & Red but Ronnie likes blue and white so we switch every year.
24. What is your favorite Christmas drink? A peppermint mocha
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? To be pregnant with a healthy baby

Anxiety Level Dropping

2008-12-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

With only a couple hours to spare, I got my final paper done in my Econ class. Although classes really haven’t been too difficult, the stress of finals got to me. I hate putting tasks off till the last minute but the due date really snuck up on me with my other homework and other obligations. After struggling to get through a 6 page paper, I am really not looking forward to English 102 next semester for research writing. I HATE WRITING PAPERS!!! I couldn’t be more relieved that I am done with the semester. I have been so worried about this paper that I was literally losing sleep. I am ready to switch gears into Christmas mode now and also take some time to relax.

So the long weekend trip didn’t anything as planned but Ronnie and I are passive enough to laugh it all off. First of all, I would NOT recommend the Coeur d’Alene light cruise. It was very disappointing and cheesy. Santa must have been so ashamed because he had obviously hit the eggnog too hard. I guess it would have too bad for children but I don’t know that we would ever do it again. We got to Coeur d’Alene with enough time to check into our hotel and catch the cruise. We settled with a fast food dinner that was GROSS. I was excited to get back to the hotel to dip into the hot tub, but Ronnie’s tummy hurt so bad from dinner, we ended up going to bed.

The next day we shopped from morning to night. We were both SO exhausted. We decided to try a new restaurant but on the way, BUMP… We got rear ended. Luckily, there was no damage to our car but the other guy now has white paint on his hood as a reminder to keep his foot on the pedal while at a stoplight. We went to the Steam House for dinner. It was slightly expensive but so worth it. I had the chicken stuffed with artichoke hearts, ricotta cheese, and sun dried tomatoes. The only problem was keeping Ronnie out of it. We both agreed it was the best chicken we had ever had. We hit a movie and crashed at the hotel right after.

Friday morning we went directly back home. I had to take a test before we could head up to the cabin. I am always glad to get out of town but this whole weekend seemed to be fogged by a sense of hurry and anxiety. You know, hurry through with one thing to get to the other. We were greeted with snow when we arrived at the cabin around 3 on Friday. I was happy to sit by the fire and really get to relax. It was nice to watch the snow, the deer, and children playing but most of the weekend, I thought about that stupid paper.

So now I am looking forward to the break and stress from school and taking in all the holiday brings. The stress of Christmas is so much more fun to deal with.

Tonight's Celebration

2008-12-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

In less than 3 hours I will be off work and on my way to Coeur d'Alene. We have to stop by the life sized gingerbread house to pick up our tickets. Ronnie and I are taking the Fantasy Cruise to the North Pole at the Coeur d'Alene resort tonight. The cruise is 40 minutes long with more then 1.5 million lights on the lake. During the trip we visit Mr. and Mrs. Claus at the north pole workshop where it it guaranteed to snow (one way or the other) each night. I was told it was very romantic.

At some time tonight we will grab a bite to eat and head back to our hotel on the Coeur d'Alene lake. I packed my swimsuit so Ronnie and I could warm up in the hot tub. I am getting so great on getting unbelievable hotels for much less of the price the price and even free. (Our hotel room the next night in Spokane is free, yes I am that good.) This is a picture of the hotel we are staying at tonight right on the lake. I got almost half off only paying $79 or a king size suite.

So tonight is for relaxation and tomorrow is for shopping. We should get most of our Christmas shopping done. We will spend another night in Spokane so we don't have to rush our shopping and drive home tired. I don't even feel guilty when the room is FREE. If we ever need one night in Spokane or a park and fly hotel, I usually can get it free. I'll let you in on the secret if you ever need. It usually takes 20 minutes of your time but a small price to pay for a room that usually goes for $70 a night.

Friday we will make a pit stop back at home so I can take my last test for the semester and pick up the dog. Then we are off again to the cabin in Anatone. I saw on KREM that the mountains could get up to 2 feet of snow this weekend with as much as an inch every hour.

The only problem with the whole weekend, I still have not got my final paper done for econ and it's due Monday. Looks like we will be leaving fairly early Sunday so I can finish my last-minute paper. I HATE WHEN I PROCRASTINATE!

3 Years Ago Today

2008-12-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

These words were read 3 years ago today.

Dear Ronnie,

I still remember the beginning of our relationship when our first kiss ended in a smack to the face. Our first vacation ended after one day and the worst sunburn ever. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that our relationship has never been easy. Our love, on the other hand, is the most precious gift that God gave to us.

I wouldn't change any of the hard time we have endured for fear that we would have not grown together, learned together, and loved together. We know each other so well that sometimes I forget to thank you for all the happy times you've giving me.

I want to let you know that I am inspired by your caring ways and supporting me through the ups and downs. You're a wonderful person and I'm so glad and grateful that you came into my life.

I used to think that love was one of those things that were really hard to find. But then I found you and you added that something extra to my every day. You came along and made me feel a little happier and more alive!

Thank you for showing me what love really is and showing me there is no miracle greater than love.

Love

Rachaell

Dear Rachaell

When we first met a very long time ago neither one of us knew what was in store of us, you an honor student and me a troubled child. And then I left for a while and changed. When we met again I couldn't get you our of my mind. I still can't get you our of my mind.

You make me so happy, your smile is like the sun rise and yours eyes are like the stars at night bright and enriched with light. You are every thing I could ever dream of, caring, kind, thoughtful and gorgeous.

And now we begin our life's journey together. I wouldn't want to spend it with any other person but you today.

You make me the richest man on Earth.

I Love you and hope you will enjoy our time as much as I will.

Love,
Ronnie

Work Calls

2008-12-05T15:07:00.000-08:00

Sometime my job gets SO weird!

Okay, so I just got this call and was explained that it is a relay call (Usually used by the deaf). They go on to tell me they need an enclosed 10x12 storage unit. I tell them we have a 12x12 unit available. They ask me to fax over the agreement but they need a favor. They do not live in the area and want to know if we would accept packages for them in the mail and store them in their unit. Um, no! Sorry but we are unable to accept any packages. They go on to say the packages are light and delivered only be twice a week. Um, NO! We will not accept any packages. Then they tell me that they will pay us extra to accept the package. NO WE WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY PACKAGE!

So my question to all of you, what do you think was in the package?

When the Answer is No

2008-12-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

The Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.
~Isaiah 30:26

Lord, when Your answer is "no" it crushes us. We often plunge into a night of bitter grief and tears. But You have more planned for us just ahead, a bright morning of rejoicing. When we see nothing to rejoice over, remind us that we have not yet reached the end of our journey, even if Your answer today is "no." You are leading us into a new place, a place we could never have imagined before we began our pursuit of parenthood. Help us to trust You, to want to be where You lead! Help us to trust You with the bitter disappointments and the lonely silences, and help us to believe You will give us a reason to rejoice.

When All Else Fails

2008-12-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

So I have had a rough couple of days with the whole fertility issue so I am back turning to something. My faith! Today I will begin posting a scripture and share my daily prayer to get me through those rough days.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."
~Luke 2:10 - II

Lord, the news is good, and the joy of Christ is great! Please help me to celebrate this birth as a personal gift from You, even as I long for the birth of my own child. Help me to spread good news and great joy wherever I go. Thank you that when loneliness and sadness threaten to steal the blessing of the season, I can remember that this heavenly birth was for me, from You. Help me to share in the great joy of Christ's birth, a birth that did not isolate me from others but brought me into a family of believers. And please show us how to share this blessing with others. Merry Christmas, Lord.

Christmas, Christmas Time is Here

2008-12-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does it still not feel like Christmas? Ronnie pulled out our Christmas totes and started hanging lights outside on Sunday, but I still didn't feel it. I switched all my settings on the computer Monday, and still nothing. I listened to Christmas music and prepared and sent out 75 Christmas cards yesterday for work, still NOTHING. Why doesn't it feel like Christmas? One thought is the weather. It's just not winter weather. We even canceled out reservations at the ski lodge since there is NO snow. Maybe we'll just spend the night and go shopping in Spokane. I just don't know. I also find the economy so very depressing. I think about people losing their houses, their jobs, and there is no end in sight. I just want to feel the magic of Christmas.

Thanksgiving was nice and it's usually such a easy transition to Christmas. I left work early Friday and soon after received, around 2, I got a call from my mother-in-law. She needed to go to the ER cause she was SO sick with the flu. She had vomited every 5-10 minutes since 7am and could barley stand. They final released her at 11pm. What a long day! Ronnie and I stayed the night at her house to help her through the night. Saturday I was exhausted! We vegged around the house. Usually, I would have spent the whole day decorating for Christmas, but I just couldn't force myself to.

Sunday I work early to get a head start on homework. I had it done by noon so some friends, Ronnie and I went to the woods to play in the mud. We had a good time but our power steering pump blew out (a $200 fix) while 40 miles out of town. Ronnie's arm were pretty sore from arm strength steering. I did start to feel nauseous toward the end but just passed it off as a slight case of car sick. When we got home shortly after 4, Ronnie pulled out the Christmas totes and set up the lights outside. I was just to tired to put up anything.

Monday at work I felt nauseous all day at work. When I got home I laid on the couch with 4 blankets and all my clothes on. Around 8 my tummy hurt so bad I went in the bathroom and took my temp........100.5. Great. Ronnie ended up staying home cause I got SO sick (thanks I'm sure the the MIL) I woke up around 2am in a dead sweat but feeling much better. Took my temp then and it was back to normal. So I pealed off the extra blankets and was at work in the morning. I'm glad the crap only last about 24 hours.

I now desperately need to get my econ paper done so it's one less thing I have to worry about. I have got to find some way to find that Christmas magic. I know one Christmas miracle that would make me a true believer but I'm not getting my hopes up. I think I'll add "Blue Christmas" to my list of songs.

Almost Done

2008-11-26T11:29:00.000-08:00

I finished my final in Prin. of Accounting last night. I am garenteed a A+ and might even pull off over 100% overall in the class with my extra credit. I still have 2 assignments and one test but I don't even have to take them to get an A in the class. Yes, I do rock. I am done with Macro Econ except for a 6 page paper that I havn't even started. It's not due till the 15th of December but I will most likey start working on it the weekend so I can be done with the semester. I only have to get a 77% on it to get an A in that class. My bosses wife is helping me with it and she loves to write so there in no way I won't get a A on it too.

In spirit of Thanksgiving, here is a 10 things I am thankfull for:

My friends and family
My husband
Rekindling my romance with my husband
I'm almost done with this semester of school
I'm back in school and doing awesome
To have my dog through the holidays
It's winter (if it would only snow)
Turkey
Having most the family together (I wish Dom had Claire with us)
Wine to get me through all the cooking tomorrow

Chuggin Along

2008-11-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

Nothing really exciting in our lives. This weekend Ronnie's dad and his business partner stayed with us. They were working so we only had to entertain for a couple of hours each night. I have a HUGE assignment due December so I will be working on that every night till it's finished. Then I get to turn around a write a 6 page paper on the economy. I hate writing papers!!! 3 More weeks till the semester is done and then I get a three week break.

I am having Thanksgiving at my house again this year, so that can be slightly stressful. Ronnie always gets out of helping since he's on graveyard. Maybe if I chop off my finger, I can get out of helping too. Do you think I would get a discount at the nail place if I only had 9 fingers? Do people who have a extra toe pay more for pedicures? Ha, I have no idea where I'm going with that just wondering.

Ronnie and I are still working on issues. We both have good and bad days. I am looking forward to spending some time alone with him on the mountain but I'm not sure if we will be accompanied with snow. WOULD IT SNOW ALREADY!

So that's my boring week in a nut shell. Oh, I did get front row tickets to see Brad Paisley and Dirk Spently at Spokane in February SUCKERS!

Wow, What a Week

2008-11-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

Friday, well it S-U-C-K-E-D! Ronnie called me in the morning to tell me he was leaving work early because it was still cold and the car was smoking and overheating on the way to work the night before. Our dog was going to the vet and we were to get the results back on some of our fertility test, so I was scared for all of those things since the morning started out with such a bang. I need to start trusting me instinct more because the day just keep getting worse. Ronnie took Lula to the vet to find out she has a large tumor on her bottom. The worse part was it was going to cost $500.00 to have it removed. Lula is 14 and if the tumor was anywhere else, I would have not done anything but I'm not going to make her suffer every time she has to go potty. Next Ronnie called the doctor for our results. Not Good. Let's just say we have a lot of decisions to make and a very long, expensive road ahead of us.

Saturday morning I had a test and got another A (in case you were worried). Then I went and had my hair done for the Harvest Ball later that night. Ronnie and I had a great time. It was so much fun to forget about everything and laugh with friends. Sure, Ronnie had too much to drink and threw up there and when we got home, but that's the hazards of drinking. I'm pretty sure he wasn't the only one that drank too much. (Joe =) I truly did have a GREAT time.

Sunday we started to wrap up yard work for the year. We raked leaves and put away the deck furniture. We went to Ronnie's mom for dinner and planned out Thanksgiving.

Although life has been crazy over the last couple of days, I was feeling good. Well, at least till yesterday. I final lost it. I had many conversations with nurses and assistance but I was getting no where. There are so many different opinions on what to do next with infertility, I just felt like a was spinning circles. Then I spoke with the doctor at the vets to find out that the vet thought that Lula tumor was cancerous to begin with. They were going to send in what they cut off to confirm it, but I put a ax to that. He is 95 percent sure she has cancer but I refuse to put her through radiation at 14. I would much rather her have a good quality of life even if it's just for a few more month. The hardest part is knowing that I will have to watch my dog deteriorate over the next couple of month. She makes me feel secure at night when Ronnie is not home and she knows she does. I wouldn't be surprised if she is just waiting around till Ronnie can be in bed with me every night again. Oh, and don't forget the news about Mona didn't come at a great time either.

Anyway, I guess I just felt like the wall were crashing down around me yesterday. I have been trying SO hard to be strong with all this, but it was bond to catch up with me. I went home and cried on Ronnie, had a glass of wine, and I am feeling MUCH better today.

Tonight I am looking forward to dinner with my sisters and their husbands. Ronnie does not work tonight so I'm hoping he will be able to control his liquor intake better than Saturday.

Working With What You Got

2008-11-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

After rereading my post from yesterday, I hope people are not assuming the worst. Ronnie and I have more to work on than I think either of us knew, but we are not broken.

Next month we will have been off birth control for a year. Today, I know I'm not pregnant. A person can only start to wonder if their might be a problem and nobody wants that problem to be them. Instead of facing our fears, Ronnie and I stopped our communication process. The one thing that was affecting us more then anything else and we couldn't talk to each other. I have been able to deal with the stress of not conceiving by focusing all my energy on school. Although I had found my outlet, Ronnie is lost for his. A man does not feel comfortable talking with another person about problems in the reproduction department. I wish that I would have realized how much Ronnie was dwelling on this problem and made him talk to me about the issue. The decision to have a child should have been a happy and exciting time but instead, it was followed by the hurt of non-conception. The decision to have a child did something I would have never imagined. It pushed us apart.

Yesterday, Ronnie and I saw a doctor. The good news is that there still might not be ANY problems. The doctor seemed very concerned about our schedules. With Ronnie on graveyard and I working days, it makes it difficult relax after sex. Either one of us has get ready for the day and it's not very fun to lay in bed by yourself. The other good news is that Ronnie will only be on graveyard for 2 more months. I know I have HATED going to bed by myself for the last year-and-a-half. I had no idea that it was hurting Ronnie worse than I. The bad part about Ronnie working days is he might not have any weekends days off anymore. Although I am very concerned about the lack of weekends off, Ronnie has express that he would rather have me in bed with him every night then weekends off.

Yesterday was MUCH harder than we had both thought it was going to be. We felt like we were in the principals office, but we both felt positive that we took that first step together in dealing with this issue. Over the next few weeks, we will take a few basic test to see if there might be any physical issue, but I'm just holding on to hope that this is Gods way of reminding Ronnie and I to find each other again.

SMACK.....

2008-11-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to even explain everything I have gone through over the last 5 days and I'm not going to explain it all either. Funny how you can get compliant in life and all of the sudden something so big blindside you with little warning.
Here what I will tell you. I left work at 9:00 am on Thursday sick. Ronnie got home from work around 9:30 and I ambushed him at home. We were both hit with a serious of events that final forced him to talk. There was so much more put out on the table then I could have ever imagined. Although I am now scared, worried, sick, mad, sad, hurt, hopefully, surprised, along with MANY other emotions, I feel like Ronnie and I are headed in the right direction.
Ronnie and I spent every second from the moment I got home on Thursday till this morning together. We focused on each other more the last couple of days then we had in probably the last couple of months combined. We talked, and then talked some more.
I still am so deeply sad and wish there was more I could do to help with Ronnie's inner peace. I can only hope that the history of our relationship repeats itself and all of the struggles we are enduring now, will make us even stronger in the future.

I Wish I Could Fix It

2008-11-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

All is steady in the life of Rachaell. I keep trucking along with school, and work, and pictures, and what little left time I have for a social life. For the most part, life is good but I've hit another road block.

Ronnie is in a funk and I have no idea what to do to help him. I noticed that he was anxious before he left for hunting but nothing out of the norm for hunting season. Since Ronnie's return, he's been in this funk and moody. We final talked about it a couple of week ago but there hasn't been any improvement. We talked about pregnancy and the shift he works. He says he just feels mad at the world right now. The good thing is that I don't see him taking it out on the world. The bad news is that he's is taking it out at me. Ronnie is usually so relaxed but his patience with me seems to be lost. He quickly gets frustrated at me. I have a couple of theories of the underlining problem might be but there is nothing I can do to fix this.

I know we all get in a funks for a bit. In fact, I've gone threw this same funk with Ronnie about 5 years ago. I pray that this one doesn't last as long as the other did. I did ask Ronnie if I needed to quit school, but he said he felt this coming on before I had even started. I have been trying to help more with dinners and things he's he usually handles, to help with his mood, but my effort seems unnoticed.

Last night was one of those nights. Ronnie was pissy with me over and over. I ask him a couple of time what's wrong tonight, but he struggles to know. This morning I had a 2 voice mails from him. The first one just was from last night that just said "call me". The second one was from this morning and said, "well maybe you're just not answering cause I was such an ass last night, but call me." He seemed to have a apologetic tone on the voicemail. I figure that when I called him, it will be the sorry about last night routine. Those moments make me feel like that he reflected and he's working on the issue. So I call him back and he tells "guess what, gasoline is $2.14". Are you kidding me, two calls to tell me how cheep gas is?

When I came to work this morning, I was almost in tears. It kills me not to know what is causing this and how to fix it. Dan ask me how I was this morning. I think he could see it in my eyes. I briefly told him about Ronnie. He mentioned that Ronnie holds things in until they build up. When I look at the over-all picture of Ronnie, I think he has had to be my rock for the last two years. I think he has let his own problems build while trying to keep me afloat. Now that I am at a place where I don't have to depend on him as much, he's own obstacles are catching up to him.

So I try to be there when he's ready to talk and pray for him everyday. I pray that he changes shifts with his job. I pray that he will have a child calling him daddy soon. Most of all, I pray that he soon finds the peace he is looking for.

Life Carries On

2008-10-30T09:45:00.001-07:00

I must apologize for my lack of blogging. My days are spent either working, studying, or sleeping, nothing exciting! My weekends are now cut to only one day since I spend all day and night at the computer on Sunday's working on my classes. Saturday is usually just spent running around or lounging around the house trying to regroup.

I have to register for my new classes next week and it's slightly overwhelming. If I want to graduate in 3 years after this next semester, I would have to average 5 classes a semester. I just don't think that is possible while working full time. So that leaves me to try to graduate in 4 years after next semester but I would still have to average four classes a semester. So now I'm looking at summer school, which is really expensive and you also can't take student loans out for. I did find that I can take 2 intern classes with my job during junior or senior. It has hit me like a ton of bricks that I will be in the graduating class of 2013. Can we say DEPRESSING! I'm just trying to remind myself that someday, it will all be worth it.

Ronnie and I have decided to take a short trip in December for our anniversary. We LOVED Leavenworth last year and I would love to go back but Ronnie wants to try somewhere new. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm thinking a ski lodge but we're game for just about anything. Ronnie wants to try snowboarding again. I'll have to find something else to occupy my time. I'm afraid of heights, so why in the world would I want to ride in a chair to a tall mountain just to stumble back down? I have no problems waiting for Ronnie with a fire, cocoo, and a nap.

A ending thought! One thousand five hundred and twenty seven days till graduation.

Tag Tag Tag Tag!!!!

2008-10-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

Tag Tag Tag Tag!!!!
You know the drill.Answer the following with one word:

Where is your cell phone? quite
Where is your significant other? sleeping
Hair color? brown
Your mother? Heaven
Your father? non-existent
Your favorite thing? Ronnie
Your dream last night? none?
Your dream/goal? Degree
The room you’re in? Office
Your hobby? Shopping
Your fear? loss
Where do you want to be in 6 years? motherhood
Where were you last night? home
What you’re not? turtle
One of your wish-list items? Baby
Where you grew up? Lewiston
The last thing you did? Ronnie
What are you wearing? jeans
Your TV? flat
Your pet? old
Your computer? addicted
Your mood? lazy
Missing someone? always
Favorite store? Ikea
Our summer? fast
Love someone? Deeply
Your favorite color? warm
When is the last time you laughed? everyday
Last time you cried? Friday

I'd like a Due Over for this Weekend

2008-10-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday I woke up to study before my test. I took my test and it was pretty hard for accounting. It took me the full two hours and I only got a 88.5%. I still have a 95% overall so it's just another one done. I also FINAL got my mid-term score back in Chinese/Microeconomics. I got an 88% on it too which really isn't bad considering it was in a different language.

Right after my test, I went home and changed my clothes and heading to shoot a wedding. I'll be honest, it was kind of a disaster. I had MAJOR problems with the flash. I had just got a new flash the day before the wedding and it was working fine at home. I had to shoot the same picture two to three times just to get the exposure right. During the wedding it got worse. The shutter was staying open to long to compensate for the flash and half of the wedding pictures were blurry. I won't even show those to the bride so I missed a couple of important pictures like the groom walking his mother down the isle and the first kiss too. My worst dream was coming true, I felt like I was screwing up on someones special day. I ran to Wasem's between the wedding and the reception and found that my problems were due to batteries. Of course I had just put new batteries in before the wedding so I must have had a dud. I have been so nerves to go through the pictures, I haven't even looked at them yet on the computer. I'm so happy I only charged about half of what I should have.

In the middle of the reception, I got a call from my mother-in-law. She told me that our dog got out of the fence and was running around the neighborhood. Great, now what do I do? This is like the third time in the last couple of month. I almost knew it was going to happen. She always freaks out when Ronnie is gone for a couple of days. So Dan and Amber rescue me once again.

I was exhausted after a full day of testing and wedding pictures. At 7 PM I made it home and changed into my PJ's, poured the biggest glass of wine, and headed back to the CPU to check my test score. I was then startled by the noise that someone was letting themselves in my house. I peaked my head around the door and Ronnie comes walking in. I think my husband may have been slightly homesick since he was not due home till Tuesday. Boy, after that day, I was so happy to see him.

We didn't get done nearly what we should have on Sunday. I didn't have much homework since I had a accounting test the day before so I can't even use that as an excuse. I think we were both just spent. We did make it to Costco and stocked up on groceries.

So tonight I am hosting the mask exchange for my sorority and I'm not nearly as ready as I have been in the past. I still have to clean my dining room and bathroom before I can even lay out the stuff for the party. I'm also not putting on such a show as I have in the past either. I will still have the smoking punch and seasonal treats, but no ta-da factor. No mice candy, no ice hand in the punch, and no broom party favor. I almost feel bad but frankly, I'm out of ideas and time.

You're Kiddin Me, right?

2008-10-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

This morning at 9 am I get a call from a customer who ask how much it would be to bury her horse. WTH? This is got to be a prank, right? "Come again" I ask? Her nanny's horse was hit by a truck and is dead on the side of the highway. They need a backhoe to load it in a trailer and dig a hole to bury it. Of course all the guys are out of town. I call the owners and they can only do it in the morning. Well, the customer is not happy about waiting till morning for the dead horse to be buried. GO figure!

What did you do at work today?

Family Update

2008-10-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

I spoke with my grandma yesterday. Her spirit is down but she is slowly recovering. She is dead set against having any "real" pain killers so she has already switched back to Advil. She now is experiencing pain in her ankles where they have found more puncher wounds. She says the best part of the day is the morning in a hot shower.

Grandma walked to Mona's neighbor for tea on Monday and was scared out of her mind when the same dogs that mauled her started barking at her at their fence. YES, they are still with the homeowners. Mona called the police officer handing the case to find out why the dogs were back. It is mandatory that the dogs are on a 10 day quarantine in case my grandmother was to become ill, they would be able to check the dogs for related disease. Mona was aware of this procedure but she was not aware that all the facilities were full so they were granted "at home quarantine." The officer said that there are rules that must be followed though. The dogs are not to be together, the dogs are to be housed in separate rooms, the dogs are not to be outside without and owner of which all "rules" were broken since my grandmother walking by felt like they wanted to finish the job (her words).

There has also been a buzz around Mona's neighborhood and they are pissed. I guess that many of these neighbors have already filled complaints against these dogs. Of course no action is taken until it is too late.

My aunt Michelle, from Portland, is joining my other two aunts this weekend at Mona's. My grandma is tentatively planning to fly home Monday leaving her vehicle in Bremerton tell she is able to return. Man, that women is a trooper though. She is still planning on returning for another month when/if Mona will be returning to Russia.

I know that many of you are dying for a Russia update. It's not the ideal situation. The biological grandmother still has not signed the release yet. She is asking for one more week. In the mean time, Mona continues to proceed with the paperwork and the uncertain fate of yet another child. It has not been said yet, but I believe that if this unravels once again, I don't think Mona will pursue her quest any further.

Boredom Setting In

2008-10-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

I miss my husband. I have never missed RonJon so quickly. You see, I work in a office all by myself. I barely speak to anyone all day and now I go home to an empty house. I talk to my dog but she doesn't bring a good conversation to the table. I have plenty to do, but I find myself so incredible BORED!

Where to Start?

2008-10-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend didn't go at all as planned.

So I left work shortly after noon on Friday. My dog came to work with me and hung out in my office. There is a comfort that is unexplainable about having a napping dog next to you on a cold day but I just loved it. I drove to Moscow to get RonJon has long johns he couldn't find in town. Then I stopped at Winger's to get some sticky fingers to go for lunch and my last stop was to the grocery store for some wine before heading to the mountains. The drive was nice minus the dog panting in my ear the whole way. As I come upon the lake I already feel my shoulders relaxing and I think, "it's going to be a great weekend."

I check into our lodge and start to settle in the room for a nap. I was getting thirsty so I thought I would drive to the store a block down the road, get some water and tea and settle in for the evening till Ronnie got back from hunting. When I return to the room, I realize I am missing my phone. I KNOW I saw it when I checked into the lodge. I TORE the room apart looking for it but came up with nothing. The only other place it could be is the store. I went back to the store and nothing. The clerk let's me use the phone to call it to see if we can hear it. I call, it goes right to voicemail. Shit, that means someone has it and has turned it off. WTH? So I go back to the room and try to think "it's just a phone, you can get a new one when we get back", but by now I've total worked myself up. Then panic sets in, my mom's voice is recorded on that phone. Not my voicemail, but the phone itself. I laid down just sick and final fall asleep 45mins later.

I woke up about an hour later and Ronnie arrived shortly after. I tell him that I lost my phone. No you haven't he tells me. A dude found my phone, called Ronnie, and left it for me to pick up at the bar. Oh, thank God. So I quickly try to sit back in chill mode again.

We then go to Ronnie's dads for dinner. I had just finished dinner when I get a call from my aunt Michelle in Portland. I step outside and answer the call. My aunt tells me that my grandma and her dog, Shasta, were mauled by two of the Mona's neighbor's dogs. Shasta is dead and grandma is hurt.

After Mona had got home form work around 5, my grandma put Shasta on a leash and went to take her for a walk. The neighbors two dogs got out of the fence and my grandma never saw them till them started ripping into Shasta. They knocked down my g-ma and riped into her arms and hands. Mona immediately loaded my g-ma and Shasta in the car and g-ma insisted that they take Shasta to the vet instead of her to the hospital. They got to the vet but Shasta died her arms. They then took my g-ma to the emergency room. She has severely hurt her back and had deep gashes in her arms and hands. They are not able to sew up the gashes since they are dog bits so she is left with gauze wrapped from her fingers to her elbows.

My grandmother desperately want to come home but now she is in too much pain to sit for longer then 2 hours. After things settled, she also realized her finger was hurting her. They took her back to the doctor Sunday to find that she had also broke her finger and had to have it set into place. I really worried that my g-ma is not going to bounce back from this emotionally or physically. I don't know how to describe how attached my g-ma was to her dog but that fact that she has Shasta portrait painted onto her car should give you a clue.

I spent most of the weekend either drinking wine, sleeping, or worrying. Not only was I worried about my g-ma but I was worried about Harley. I was feeling SO guilty now that I had bored her. I was so afraid she was going to have a seizure.

Never the less, I'm home with both dogs, finished my homework and went to bed. Man, what a weekend!

Over the River and through the Wood

2008-10-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

In 2 days I am so out of here. I need some sleep, I need some quiet, and I need to relax.

This week couldn't be any more hectic. My homework (even accounting) is super hard. I worked on 1 assignment from the time I got home from work till 11:30 and only got 1/4 of the way through it. The subject was inventory adjustment accounting for end of year. Most business just leave it to the person who does their taxes so I have never even scene the process before. So I got stuck and had to e-mail my teacher. She e-mailed be back this morning and I "think" I've got it now so I will have to plug away on it again tonight.

I have also been scrambling to figure out what I'm going to do with the community dog. See when my mother passed away, I took Kahlua and my grandmother took the other dog, Harley. We always joked with my mom that if she ever died, we would bury Harley with her. I'm starting to think we should have followed through with our warnings. Harley is a high maintenance dog, the type you would only take to the woods to feed it to a bear. I feel bad for this stupid dog because my grandmother insisted that she take the dog but I don't feel like she is fully committed to Harley. Every time she travels she takes her dog Shasta with her but leaves Harley with us. This lady, Shirley, who lives a couple of houses from my grandmother loves Harley. A few months ago my grandmother even "offered" Harley to Shirley but her husband had just died and she didn't feel like she was ready yet. Anyway Shirley had been watching Harley till last weekend when she left to see her son. So now the stupid dog gets passed to me. When I picked up Harley, Shirley told me that she had spoke with my grandma and had told her that after she spent a month with the dog, she would love to have her. My grandmother's response, "We'll see." WTF! I going to have to have a talk with my g-ma when she gets home and tell her I think that it's best if Shirley keeps Harley for good. I mean this is exactly what that rat dog needs. Some little old lady that spends the day pampering her.

Okay back to my original problem, I don't want to take Harley with us this weekend. I can't just leave her with anyone because she has seizures when she gets stressed. That eliminates anyone I know with children since they like to chase her and anyone with dogs cause she thinks they're going to eat her. So my g-ma's groomer is going to take her but for a cost.

Who would have known it was going to be such a pain in the arss to get away for just a couple of days?

Superwoman

2008-10-06T09:54:00.001-07:00

I just love music. It seems like there is a song out for every mood that I am ever feeling. Thursday when I got home I was feeling the stress of trying to balance my life and my obligations. Oprah was on and Alicia Keys sang this great song that made me smile. It was just what I needed. I listened to this song, took a deep breath, and moved on. It also reminded me that my life is surround by woman who are balancing extremely heavy load too. This is dedicated to all my ladies.

That Just Made My Day

2008-10-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well I still haven't found out my grade on my midterm in my Chinese, I mean Microeconomics class is yet but I did just get my overall grade in principals of accounting. I have a 99.16 % after 8 assignments and a midterm test.

Something had to Give

2008-10-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

I dropped the ball! I have had a million things going on over the last week and forgot one of the most important things. I forgot to pay my bills. This morning I realized I did not pay my credit card payment that was due on the 29th. Who forgets to pay their bills when there is more then enough money in the bank? As I'm leaving for work this morning, I look in my purse to make sure I have our checkbook to make my credit card payment. Not only did I find my checkbook but I also see my paycheck. I haven't even deposited my paycheck from Monday. I knew something was going to give while I tried to take on the world, but I can't give up paying our bills.

Last night I was telling Ronnie that I was starting to feel like I was going to unravel. I don't handle stress well and I have seemed to pile more on my plate than I can eat. I know it's all self inflicted but I want it all. For the first ever I am making my dreams a priority but it doesn't come without stress. I am holding on to thought of getting some relaxing time next weekend in Harrison. Ronnie leaves for a week and a half on the 9th to hunt with his dad. The first weekend I will join Ronnie so we rented a room at the hotel that overlooks CDA lake. I will not be hunting. My plan is to sleep, read a book (not just a text book either), maybe fish and just relax. I am SO looking forward to a weekend of nothing but again, the preparation SUCKS. I have 4 assignments due that weekend and I don't want to leave early Sunday morning to have to come home to it. I will have to work my butt off to get all my homework done before I leave but I don't get the assignment till Monday. That gives me 3 evenings to get it done.

I need this weekend. The weekend after I get back is even crazier than this week. I have a test at 11:00am and then a wedding to shoot at 2:00pm on Saturday. Then I have two assignments due on Sunday and have to get my house ready for sorority on that I am hosting on Tuesday.

I'm so lucky to have Ronnie on the side lines cheering for me. He's favorite response when I start to talk about my doubts is "I know you can do it." He will do just about anything right now to make my life easier. I really want to do something nice for him to let him know how much I appreciate him right now. Any ideas?

***********************************
Just after I posted this a perfect song came on. "Fall" by Clay Walker. This is how Ronnie makes me feel everyday.

Oh, look there, you go again, puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that, always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall, go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine,
I'll catch youEvery time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here, baby fall

Forget about the world tonight, all that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, it's okay

Fall, go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here, baby fall

Hold on, hold on
Hold on to me

Fall, go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here, baby fall

I Hate Mondays

2008-09-29T09:38:00.001-07:00

So I always leave my entire Sunday to finish up my homework. The problem is that I like to sleep in on Sundays and then when I finally roll out of bed, I watch HDTV till noon. They have great programs about outdoors and landscaping on Sunday mornings. Then I usually take a few hours to pick up around the house, dust, vacuum. Next I try to find anything else around the house but homework. Yesterday I watched Ronnie pull the garden while I planted some new flowers.

Last night I HAD to finish my accounting assignment. I final MADE myself sit down around 5:30 and start. Had I only knew that the assignment was going to take me almost 8 HOURS! Yes, I finished my homework around 1:15 this morning. So I took a shower and laid down but it took me another half an hour to let my mind quit "debiting" and "crediting" enough that I could fall asleep. 5 o'clock came VERY early this morning!!! I hit snooze a couple of times till I only gave myself minutes to spare.

Ronnie stays up till around 3am on Sundays since he is on graveyard. Every half and hour or so I keep apologizing to him cause I knew I should be in bed and today he would have to put up with my cranky ass. He kinda laughed and said "it's okay, I don't think after tonight I will have to worry about you procrastinating with your homework." Boy, I hope he's is right. I can't take many nights of that. It's much easier to bounce back from a all-nighter of homework when your 18 years old.

I am seriously considering taping my eyelids to my forehead! Stupid me.

Oh, and another thing. The test I took on Saturday was the HARDEST test I have ever took in my life! The only thing I felt confident with was the essay questions. I don’t think I studied the right things. I felt like I would have to memorize the whole book word-for-word to ace that test. At one point while taken the test, I considered telling the test administrator that I believed I received the wrong test for the one I was reading seemed to be in Chinese. Overall, this weekend SUCKED!

I'm a Slacker

2008-09-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

So I have to admit that I have gotten off pretty easy the last couple of weeks. I really haven’t had to blog my own thoughts or stories since I have Mona’s postings. I guess I need to write something for myself. I don’t know if it’s that I am feeling guilty or just feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Life is crazy as usual. I’m still not pregnant and really haven’t thought about it since I have started school. I’m wondering if it is okay (by other people’s standards) to be worried yet. I know it can take a while but I never thought I would be trying for 9 months with only 1 line. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still okay with it, but it does make me worry that something might be wrong. Ronnie and I have already said that we will give a year or two before we consult a doctor, but I still worry.

School is going GREAT. I have turned in 15 assignments and have a 100% on all of them. I took my first test in Prin. Of Acct. on Friday and got a 98.5%. My first test in Microeconomics is this Saturday and I am SCARED! It is a hard class and seems way over my head. The only reason I have been doing so well on the assignment is that I have a book to reference to. Test? That’s a whole other story. Ronnie gets just as excited as me to check my scores which shows me he really cares.

So the photo business is started back up. I was going to wait till the new year to get heavy into it again, but once people hear you’re back and doesn’t take long. I have a wedding booked for Oct. 18, and a family portrait paid for but not total scheduled, not to mention the friends I have already promised. I have to sit down next week and order my new editing software. I SO exited for the software and the endless possibilities I will now have available for my pics but I’m still stressed on finding the time for all of this.

So as I always say, Life is good. Well, at least for the most part. I still feel like I’m missing something. I don’t know if it’s the baby thing, or my aunt, or how much I still miss my mom. I’m still not completely happy with the person I am trying to be. My weight has been a huge burden on me lately. This is something I would NEVER talk about for I am so embarrassed of it. I know I need to lose weight and I even know how to lose weight, so why can’t I just do it? Everything I have read about weight lose says to tell others how you are feeling. So like it or not, I’m telling you. If anyone wants to walk/talk in the afternoons, please let me know and help me drag my rear of the couch.

Identity Theft

2008-09-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

Limewire users beware!

When signing up with Limewire, it ask if you would like to share your files. THIS IS A BIG NO NO! Unless you are specific, it will pull anything you have stored on your computer. My friend did our taxes along with 20 other people and her children choose to share her files. All of our SS number from our taxes and bank account numbers were on her computer from Tax Pro. Anyone could look at the file just by searching "taxes" in Limewire.

See how easy it is to get your information below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcuH27IwWVk

Portland

2008-09-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

It was so nice seeing my aunt in uncle in Portland. I think it's just what Ronnie and I needed. It's so much fun to be spoiled by loved ones.

We didn't get out of town as early as anticipated but still made good time. We left Clarkston at 1:50pm and arrived in Portland around 7:10. (I did my best not to look at the speedometer for the sake of my own sanity) We ate BBQ pork for dinner with fresh vegetables and spice.

Saturday morning we got up early and went to the Farmer's market. Portland's market has to be one of my favorite places in the whole world. I just love everything about it. The sounds, the slight, and the smells, yum! It's so neat to see everyday vegetables in ways you have never seen them before. Some new things: bright orange cauliflower, artichoke that look like seashells, and white eggplants. Oh, and a fell in love with a flower I have never seen before called a passion flower. (see below) There are tons of different varieties, but this one seemed to be the most common. The name "Passion" does not refer to love, but to the Christian theological icon of the passion of Christ on the cross. In the 15th and 16th centuries, Spanish Christian missionaries discovered this flower and adopted its unique physical structures as symbols of Crucifixion. For example: the radial filaments which can number more than a hundred and vary from flower to flower represent the Crown of Thorns. The ten petals and sepals represent the ten faithful apostles. The top 3 stigmata represent the 3 nails and the lower 5 anthers represent the 5 wounds. (I know probably more then you ever wanted to know about one flower)

After the market, we went to s cigar store for Ronnie. It smelled so good in there. Next we went to the Chinese Gardens in down town Portland. Although I have been to the Japanese gardens by the Zoo, the Chinese Garden was just as beautiful but the skyscraper around it give you a different perspective. We stopped on the way home for some homemade tortillas and chicken taco's with the items we bought at the market. We also had homemade guacamole and salsa fresca. TO DIE FOR!!

Sunday we enjoyed a lazy morning an afternoon reading and napping on hammock outside. Around 4:00pm we made a trip to the Portland Nursery. How amazing! It was so BIG. We left with this beautiful light pink and green fall blooming plant (i don't remember what it is called), some cilantro, and a Venus flytrap. Next we went to a place called the Kennedy School. It is an old late 1800's school house that converted into a hotel with a couple of bars, a restaurant, and a theater. It had the best beer. We ordered our beer and took a self tour. The art there is amazing and but has a bit of a dark undertone. Every 50 feet they had these poems wrote by the students in 1932 with mosaic glass around them. We were racing around the place trying to find them. They were all to a classmate. They always started out with " Dear Lois". Here is one of the poems:

Dear Lois,

Your father is a butcher
Your mother cuts the meat
I'd like you better
if you didn't stink

Your classmate,
Robin

Ronnie and I are going to make one as a thank you letter to my aunt and uncle. We will tear off little squares of paper to make the mosaic.

After our beer we went home for another amazing meal. Smoked ribs and brisket with collar greens, corn, cornbread, and mac and cheese. (My mouth is watering).

Sunday we slept in until 9:30 and ate waffle's with a bunch of fresh fruit on top. We said our goodbyes and were off to Ikea before heading out of town. We were hoping to get home around 4 but didn't get home till around 7:00. Of course I had homework so I was up until midnight finishing. I'm still playing the catch up game on sleep but the trip was so worth it. Looks like we might be going back mid-October.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. ~ Henry Ford

2008-08-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

1 out of 4 Isn't Bad

2008-08-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

I started my first homework assignment tonight after I got off work at 5:00. It is now 10:45 and I JUST finished. That is only one assignment out of the 4 I have due this week. They are not due till Sunday but since I am leaving for Portland on Friday, I only have two more days. I really hope my accounting book comes tomorrow or I could be royally screwed! Anyway, I should take a shower and hit the hay, it seems that it will be another long day tomorrow!

School Daze

2008-08-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

Well, the journey back to my degree has began. My "someday" is now my "today". I am so proud of myself. It seems like such a small step when you think that I will not have my degree until at least 2012 but a step is better then standing still. I am overwhelmed with emotions and want so badly to make everyone, including myself, proud of me.

I am also so happy to report that my scrap/sewing room is FINALLY finished! I spent most of Sunday morning completing it. Of course, I didn't get much more done then that room though. I have been on this great missions to make everything orderly in my life to keep my sanity with so many hours being focused on school. I am slowly getting there.

I am really looking forward to our Portland trip this weekend. I dearly miss my family. It's so nice to get spoiled once in a while. Ronnie and I travel really well together and have such a great time anywhere we go.

There is one small catch to the Portland trip. We can not tell Ronnie's family. Kind of a long story but if his mom finds out that we are going, we will end up spending more on gasoline. She wants us to bring a bed back from Portland and the would mean we have to bring the truck. It's almost $100 more to take the truck and I don't want to foot the bill. It's kinda brattie, but I'm so tired of bending over backwards with no appreciation in return. It seems like the more we do for Ronnie's mom and sister, the more backlash we (or should I say I) get. Ronnie's sister and I had a talk a month ago and I was told then that they feel we think we are better then them. Funny that conversation came after I lended her $1600.00 so she could attend summer school. I used to feel very close to Ronnie's mom and sister but I have been deeply hurt by most recent backlash to the point that I have pushed them away. Up until this weekend, they didn't even know that I was going back to school. Brenda is usually left taking care of Mandi's problems and therefore, they have a great mother/daughter bond due partly to the fact Brenda feels she can still mother her. Ronnie and I have always worked together and taken care of our own problems. We don't give her a chance to "fix thing for us", but we are both proud to be independent. So now you know the reason that I SO crave seeing my own family and my mother-like aunt.

I Want to Superwoman

2008-08-21T12:46:00.001-07:00

I checked my LCSC mail and received my first assignment. First, I was excited. Now I am shaking. I'm saying, what have I got myself into? I have lost all my confidence. I am sick to my stomach with the unknown. What if I can't figure out how to take a test online? What if I don't get a good grade? What if I become overwhelmed? Most of all, what if I disappoint someone?

I feel like I am staring down a dark hole and someone is saying to me, "your dreams are just through that dark hole." It's not my dream I'm scared of, but the dark hole that I have to go through. The unknown journey to get there. I know this is what I want but that doesn't mean I won't be trembling as I take my first step into the hole.

There, I said it.

Back to School

2008-08-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

I should first apologize for my lack of blogging. I have been so busy at work and my personal life, it's been put on the back burner. I'm afraid that when I start school in a week, it will only get worse.

I am enrolled in two classes this semester. Principal and theory of microeconomics and principles of accounting I. It's kinda funny that I have to take accounting I because, it's more and less, bookkeeping. Yeah, that is field I have been employed in for 8 years. I thought accounting 1 sounded like a breeze. Nothing can be easy. Come to find out it requires a lot of homework. Now I get to book for a non-existing company, YUCK! Micro will require a lot of homework too and since they are both on-line, even more homework.

So I need to have my life completely organized by the end of next weekend. My goal is to have my house, my outside, my finances, and myself all organized. That means that the sewing/scrap room must get done. You know, the room I say I am going to get done every 3 weeks. The outside freezer needs cleaned out, my bills all filed, so on and so forth. I will reevaluate after this weekend to see if we get the den painted next weekend. (my guess is not).

I spoke with my aunt in Portland last night. Everything is on for us to visit for Labor Day. They are in a major house remodel so we were warned that they could not break away to "entertain". I explained that we did not need to and would just like to visit and have their company. 3 days of amazing, healthily food! I'm more excited to be around a family member that is the closest thing I have to a living mother.

Entering back into school makes me a little bit emotional. It's been such a dream to go back to school and 6 years latter, I'm doing it. I just wish my mom was here to enjoy it with me. It was fun to tell my aunt that I was going back to school but nothing replaces that feeling of your mom being proud of you. If this puts a lump in my throat, wait till I walk to receive my diploma.

Last thing I need to share with ya'll is about my aunt from Bremerton who is adopting her second son from Russia. SHE GOT THE CALL. She leaves on September 3rd and returns with Carter on September 24th. Yes, that 3 WEEKS. Would you like my list of concerns?

My 76 year old grandmother will be watching her first son that whole time..
My grandmother will be driving over to Seattle by herself. (I've drove with her in town, it's not pretty!)
My grandmother will miss her 50th class reunion that she is in charge of. They have also said it will be the last class reunion too.
My aunt will miss her first son's first day of kindergarten.
Did I mention that my 76 year old grandmother will be watching a VERY ACTIVE boy for 3 weeks?

College 101

2008-08-11T13:33:00.001-07:00

I got a call from my advisor this morning, I'm again a student at LCSC. GO ME!!!

Okay, so I'm very happy about this. I have been wanting so badly to finish my degree. I just feel like I took one huge step forward in the right direction. As I have said so much this last year, life is good!

Another very busy weekend down. Sunday was my Claire's b-day. We took Ronnie's nieces and nephew too. Sunday, I co-hosted a baby shower. I will try to post pictures tonight.

It Might as well be Raining

2008-08-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those yucky days. Nothing is going right. Ugh!

Can you Believe it's August?

2008-08-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

I just can't figure where all the time has gone. Life seems to be going fast. It feels like the older I get, the more quicker each year gets.

I got my camera on last Monday but I really haven't experimented with it much. I fiddled with it for a little over an hour but hope to get some practice pictures this weekend at my niece's b-day party. All my attention has been diverted to my new i-pod. I'm already obsessed! I was at a Silpada party till 9pm last night so I was up till 11:30 loading all the software and 7 songs. Boy, 5am came pretty early this morning.

It seems that this weekend with be full with parties. My brother is having Claire's b-day at Hellsgate on Saturday. It starts at noon and sounds like we will be there most the day. Ronnie and I are going to cut out one of our infamous watermelon designs. I will be sure to get a good picture of that for all of you to see.

Sunday I am co-hosting a baby shower for my friend Julie. The nice thing is all that I am in charge of is the things I enjoy. Decoration, drinks, and appetizers. The down side is that I REALLY not fond of the person hosting with me. We had problems in the past when I was Julie's maid-of-honor.

Ronnie and I have really tired to set some time aside to get to Portland this summer but it just didn't seem to happen. We have been so busy that we had decided to just postpone for a while till I got a school break. Well, we changed our mind again. I really miss my family. Ronnie's family and I have been butting heads so much the last couple of weeks, I just want to be around my "mother-type" figure which defaults to my aunt. A hugs from the arms of family and a meal with family soul. I can't wait! They also have to best farmers market.

P.S.
Please tell me someone knows where K's parents are??

Busy, Busy

2008-07-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

We are celebrating my mother-in-law's 50th Birthday on Sunday. Lots of preparation. We are hosting a BBQ at my house and have no idea how many people are coming. Ronnie's sister and I purchased a digital camera for her but we also wanted to give her something special since it is a milestone B-day. Last night we shoot a few pics to give her a family photo. Of course my new camera will not be here till Monday. We went ahead and did a few so she could have something ready for her birthday. The picture turned out pretty good but the lighting is horrible. I guess it's not too bad for a point and shoot digital camera. We will have to re due them again next week when the new camera arrives. The good news is she can join us and be in some of them too.

Ronnie is working on lots of small projects around the house this morning so our house is in tip-top-shape for the party. Mandi and I are getting food and decoration tonight for the BBQ. We should finish up most of the house cleaning tonight.

I have been slightly stressed this week thinking about school, photography, my b-day, quilting, and my mom-in-laws b-day so I am going to take a slight break on Saturday morning. Ronnie and I are going to go to the farmers market in the a.m. Here are some photo's from the farmers markets a couple of weeks ago that I took.

Jillian and Amber with their produce

Kolton cooling off on a hot day

We also will make a pit stop to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, Michael's, and lunch at Wingers. Then it's back to the grind. Mandi is coming over in the afternoon to help decorate and organize for the BBQ. Ronnie and I are going to final finish my scrap room that evening. Sunday should be chaotic but hopefully with no hang ups.

Another beauty at the farmer's market

Opening Soon

2008-07-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Careful, sometimes you get what you ask for! I wanted it all, but never thought it was possible. W-R-O-N-G!

At the beginning of this year, I hated my job. I hated the hours, I hated the commute, I hated the pressure, I mean I truly hated this job. There was always promises form management that it would get better. I wanted out so bad but I felt so stuck. The money was good and we had new added expenses like our new house. I also want to have children but I didn't feel like I could be a good mom spending close to 14 hours away from home a day. Just months later I was offered my current job with only a slight pay decrease, better hours, and best of all, people who really cared. But with my current employer paying gas and my school, I really get more money then my previous job. I am so much happier now, but still I wanted more.

I have never made my desire to finish my degree much of a secret. Well, I'm on my way back. If all goes as planned, I will start back at LCSC on August 25th. Although I am slightly worried about working a full-time job and attending school I believe I have it under control. So why not throw some more to the mix?

On top of it all, I will begin taking photography again. My camera should arrive Monday and I can't wait to get shooting again. I am so exited to be working with my own professional camera. The images with this camera should be impeccable.

When do I have time for all this you might ask? I'm not sure that I have figured that out myself and it makes me feel that I have a bit of panic setting in. The problem is I think about it too much. Most likely Ronnie is going to get promoted soon and I should have a ton of free time. On most occasions, pictures will happen during the weekend. Amberger has even offered her services for JeanBlanc Designs. We are playing with the prospect that she would set up meeting times with clients and show my portfolios. (Still lots of details to work on) I guess that just leaves school for weekday nights. Since R's not home, better to do homework then waste my time in front of TV.

The way things are going, I figure since I'm starting school next month, that will probably be the month I final get pregnant. You know, just to add more fuel to the fire. So again, I remind you, be careful what you wish for!

Life is good. All my dreams are right in front of me for the taking and it feels good. I feel inspired, strong, and ready to take on the world. (Now if I could just find the willpower to lose 100 pounds, HA!)

My Wish for You Today

2008-07-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...

The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection----
little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the
funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you,
holding you so gently because you are someone
special and rare.