So Maybe There is Another Way to Handle It

I know that it is Ronnie and my age to get "the question". But I swear I must get it every other week.

"When are YOUUUU going to have a baby?"

My new favorite response "Once God allows us since we have been trying for 20 months." Asshole! It really makes other people uncomfortable. HA! (I know, it's warped)

Oops

I had to laugh when I got an email from Ronnie this morning

"I swear I'm turning OCD. Your junk is rubbing off on me!"

I'm so excited. Before you know it, he will be putting the plates away in color order.

And On

With just a few seconds to breath before finals next week, I figured I should update my blog. It has been a crazy couple of weeks with no relief in sight. Summer school is over on August 10th so I just need to finish some projects over the weekend and study for finals. I get less than two weeks before I start the fall semester. Five classes my friends. Crazy? Maybe, but I am determined to finish in just 3 year with NO more summer school and I still have a couple of “easy” ones that I can knock down at once.

Benda start chemo tomorrow and I am a bit nervous! I hate not knowing what to expect. It has been weighing heavy on my heart. It’s so hard to watch the emotions of the entire family. The good news is that she will only need four treatments instead of 6. Chemo is every other week and Ronnie and I still plan to stay with her on the weekends following them. I will miss the next treatment though since I am going to take a mini vacation to Portland.

Since I only get a very short break from school, I decided to sprit over to Portland and spend a four day week with some family. Ronnie will not be able to go since he is helping with his mom and is already requiring extra days off work. They have been extremely generous with arranging time off for him to help his mom so we are not going to begin to push it. I wasn’t crazy about going by myself, so I am taking along my 13 year old niece Kendra since she needs to get out of the little Lewiston shell (I decided). I remember spending many weeks in Portland during the summer when I was her age and loved it more than anything. It will be fun to watch her experience the same.

I’m still not pregnant but no surprise there. We did not have an IUI this month since I was ovulation on the weekend. We will not be having one during the month of August either since I will be in Portland during ovulation. Although we are only half way through our treatments, I can’t help but wonder if we will ever be parents. It just keeps getting harder and harder.

Well better get back to my case study.

YES...I Found a Break

Why didn't I think of this sooner? I could just burst in excitement. I was so worried trying to figure out how I was going to complete all my homework by Monday. The most time consumption part was the 410 page book I had to read for science. Guess what? I just downloaded it on my Ipod and am listen to it while I work. I feel so confident that I will get through this week now without a mental breakdown. Yeah!!!

Find Me Under a Pile of Books

I might as well make this quick and apologize for my future lack of blogging. I am SO buried in homework I can’t see beyond the books. Let me go over the schedule for the next three weeks.

This week:
Business- Read 4 chapters of an extremely large text book. [DONE]
This morning at 4:00 AM I took the test over the last four chapters [DONE]
Case study due at 5 PM tonight [Currently working on]
Natural Science-
Read 6 chapters in textbook (or is it 7) [2 chapters down, 4 more to go?]
Watch the Movie Inconvenient truth (the Al Gore movie) [Sat. 10am library *I hope*]

Next Week:
Natural Science-
Take test on Monday before 5
3 page paper on inconvenient truth by Monday
Read book Hot Zone (Some stupid science book with 300 pages)
Business-
Read 4 chapters of an extremely large text book
Test due Friday by noon

The following week:
Natural Science-
Have 5 page paper wrote to review Hot Zone on Monday
Business
5 page Business plan done by Monday

The worst part is that Ronnie has all next week off but I’m afraid we won’t have any time to do anything fun. I have WAY TOO much to do. UGH. Lesson learned...never again will I go to summer school. UGH!

A quick update on Brenda too. Her surgeon told her that they removed all the tumor from her breast and her lymphoid check came back clear too so she is on her way to the next step which is Chemo. She has a appointment next Thursday to find out which chemo she will receive and the number of treatments. She is set to have them on Fridays so Ronnie has arranged with work to have the next 3 months of weekends off so we can stay at Ronnie’s mom and help her after treatments. Please continue to keep her in your prayers as we embark on this chemo chapter.

Growing Pains

I feeling a little lost these days. I am so determined to be a strong person but these bumps in the road keep getting to me. I and am looking at some of the hardest obstacles straight in the face that I have had to deal with during my life. I know that each challenge in life we learn and grow, but I am feeling major growing pains.

Brenda had her surgery last Monday and it went very well. The tumor was small and they felt they got it all. Ronnie took off the entire week to help his mom. He stayed with her on Monday until just before bedtime. Mandi spent the first night and Ronnie relieved her in the morning. We stayed the next couple of nights, as I tried to plug away at homework. Ronnie was very patient with his mom and was content watching cooking shows with her much of the day. I think this will only be a glimpse of what’s left to come. I am so scared to watch that part of my shaken family watch Brenda go through chemo. Recovering from day surgery in one thing, but the chronic sickness of chemo is another.

Tonight, my poor husband will be installing a new clutch in our pickup. He was at our friends shop until close to midnight trying to pull the transmission out of it. I’m sure that 4:30 came way too early for him especially since he will have to work again on it tonight. Give me a bit of time to work on my large stack of homework and keep my head out of the clouds.

God, why are You punishing us

Happy day, our clutch just went out in the truck. $400 part with 400 dollar labor.

I AM SPENT.

And Another

I gave myself a half of day to cry uncontrollable, to lie in bed and do nothing, to feel sorry for myself and be angry. I kept repeating in my head...you have until noon. I didn’t necessarily have anything to do, but I also knew that I had to pull it all together and that I wasn’t helping the situation. I had to put on my happy face before Ronnie got home. I watched TV for a bit but found myself getting tears in my eyes just watching a commercial with a child sitting on his dad’s lap. Nothing else but a child simply sitting in a parents lap. Another “no”, another, “not this time” ringing in my head.

Ronnie got home and I told him, we’re going to have to do another IUI, with a very pushed smile. I can be strong for him but not for myself. I wasn’t happy to hear him say “you okay?” I couldn’t fight the tears any longer so as I did my best to say “yes” they shied down my face. Ronnie wiped them as he said I’m sorry. It was quite for the next 15 minutes as we gathered items for our 4th of July barbeque. Later that evening, we joined some friends and Ronnie came over to me and said again “you okay?” My response, “It’s just been a hard week.” Than Ronnie said something that completely caught me off guard but it was also something that I had expected to hear in this journey. “I’m sorry honey, it’s all my fault.” I stood there in shock as I let the words absorb. I grabbed Ronnie’s hand and lead him to the front of the house so we could be by ourselves. I assertively explained to Ronnie that it wasn’t his fault and that it’s not anything he had done to create this situation. I told him that our fertility was OUR issue and I never felt like it was just on him. This is a team effort and I would never blame him. I was pissed although I knew all along that at some point he would feel this way. He promised me that he wouldn’t put the blame himself.

Later that night, I was again surprised to hear Ronnie say that he didn’t want to take a break from our treatments and he wanted to continue on. Just a few weeks ago, we had agreed to wait a couple of months while we helped Brenda get through chemo. If he wants to move forward, I am totally on board but I do worry about both our emotional states with another “not this time”.

Pink Banner

Thursday, we attended Brenda’s surgery appointment regarding her breast cancer. It felt so wired in the waiting room, as I couldn’t help to feel like I was surrounded by our hardest life events. There are three doors in the north wing waiting room, upstairs at Valley Medical. The first door is Spokane Cardiology. I attended many appointments with my own mom there, which many of them occurred during her sickest time. It was also, where I was told about my own condition. The second door is for the Surgery Center. This is now the door we go through to fight Ronnie’s mom’s breast cancer. The third door of course is the OB, and we all know that struggle. I was sitting there, and couldn’t help but shake my head at the obstacles that waiting room was surrounded by. I have never felt so claustrophobic in such a large room.

The nurse had us sit, it what looked like to be the break room but there was four of us there. The nurse came back with a basket of pink “stuff” form one of the support groups in town. She also told Brenda about some great books that would help her through this process. After a bit of a wait, the surgeon came in, introduced himself, and said “okay, ask away.” We ask him to tell us about the procedure and what would happen afterwards. Then we ask the size, the type, and so on. Most of our concerns and questions come with Chemo and she will not meet with that doctor until mid July. I think one of the most comforting things was when the doctor looked at Brenda and said, “you get through this”. Her surgery is scheduled for this Monday. Yes, in like two days.

As we left the room, the basket that Brenda received seemed to act like a big banner over her head that said “I have breast cancer.” The receptionist noticed it as I heard a voice say “Rachaell, can you come here for just a second.” It was the same receptionist for our OB as the surgeon. She asked me if Brenda needed to make a follow up appointment. I told her that I didn’t think so since she was scheduled for surgery on Monday. She replied, “Wow, you’ve got a lot on you’ve plate dear. Are you okay?”

We went to lunch after the appointment and I could tell that everyone felt better after talking to the doctor. I still think that everyone’s worries come with the chemo. We also talked over lunch on how we planned to tell the kids. We are having a barbeque on Sunday where we plan to tell them and let them ask questions.

Please keep my family in your prayers while we continue to fight another dieses.

Stars are in Line

Yesterdays IUI went G-R-E-A-T.

Dr. U was delighted when he entered the room announcing, "Third time is a charm." He went on to tell us that the sperm count was that highest, by far, from us yet. Not only was there a good count, but they were very active with "strong swimmers". We also discussed what should happen from here. We talked about fertility medicine, we talked about further testing, and we talked about holding onto hope. He is very confident that this could work for us and encouraged us to continue "natural" IUI (I'm not sure I would use the word natural, for the natural way is MUCH more enjoyable). He sees no need for drugs to increase my egg count, besides; you saw what it did to Jon and Kate.

He continued to tell us that whatever we did this time to increase our count, we needed to continue. Ronnie was NOT happy to hear this because the only thing we have done different is substance from S-E-X. I started laughing when he said it. Ronnie shot a look at Dr. U and the doctor knew immediately what he had done, or should I say what he restricted Ronnie from. Dr. U and the nurse couldn't help but laugh, I think in part by the look on Ronnie's face.

As we began our third procedure, the doctor keeps repeating, "I have a good feeling about this one." It's nice to have someone helping us who is so supportive and wants to uplift our spirits. Since I have a history of a "hostile" cervix, the Jaws of Life, I mean the clamp had to be used on my cervix. The clamp is probably the worst part of the procedure. There was very little cramping and the clamp did not tear any tissue this time either. It was smiles all over the room, from Ronnie and me, to the doctor, and even the nurse. I couldn't help but send my 20 minutes lying on the table after the procedure wondering if this is the one.

When the doctor and nurse left the room for my resting period, Ronnie said, "cock blocker" as they shut the door. That might be too much information but I was almost in tears laughing. Ronnie said, "I used to really like that guy, but now I think he is a quack." Better get used to it dear. (I know your reading this)

Since we see the OB office at least once a month, most of the staff in the department knows who we are and why we are there. We bumped into the nursing assistant on our way out and she extended her prayers. As we passed by the receptionist desk, the receptionist lifts both of her hands form her computer to cross her fingers while mouthing, “let us knows". They all share our hope and are excited for us.

I am so hopeful. I feel better than ever about this procedure. God, let this be the one.

3rd Time is a Charm

Today is our third IUI. If this one doesn't work, it will be months till we try again. I am hoping and praying that God gives us our gift this time. We could use this blessing more than ever.

God please, I’m begging.

All seemed good in the land of Oz. Ronnie and I were over helping Dom remodel his bathroom and we got a call from Ronnie’s mother. She seemed upbeat and asks if we could come over for a few minutes. When we got to her house, Ronnie sister was also there waiting. Immediately, we knew that whatever we were brought there to discuss, it was about her health. Nobody was even slightly prepared for Brenda to tell us she has breast cancer. The room was silent besides the slight weeps coming from Mandi. She went on to tell us that her doctor had called her just a couple hours ago to deliver the news. She is to have surgery in two weeks to remove the lump and then will start 6 treatments of chemo and radiation treatment. We know very little right now and I don’t think any of us have let it sink in that she does have cancer. We are all meeting with her doctor Thursday with our questions and we will be informed what all happens next.

I feel like I HAVE to be the strong one for Ronnie’s family since he was my rock during the loss of my mom. If you know me, you know that I am an extremely emotional person. So far, I have been able to take the emotions out of the situation and help them focus on getting mom better. I have never felt the strength that I do now, and can only believe that it is a gift to help us all through this. I now pray that I can hold on to this strength I did not know that existed inside me. Mandi has already told Brenda’s best friend that I’m the one holding it all together for them and I must continue to make that happen.

The vulnerable and selfish side of me worries about my own children. My weakest moments are when I think of my own mom saying to me “I just want to be a healthy grandma.” She said this to me a week before she died right after I told her we were going to start trying for children. I am pissed that my children will never know their own grandmother, that they will never hear her voice or feel her hugs or kisses. The thought of losing another mom KILLS me. I need her for my own children since she is the only grandmother they have left.

Ronnie is not taking it well as you might expect, and his sister is taking is worse. Ronnie completely shut down Friday night but all emotions have started to spew out since Saturday morning. He seems very angry at life and life has really giving him reason to be angry lately. We did talk Saturday that it was okay to be mad, and that it was okay to be in disagreement with God’s plan, but that we couldn’t lose faith in Him either. Mandi on the other hand has not stopped crying. I find that easier to deal with than completely shutting down as Ronnie has a tendency to do. I keep reminding Mandi that she has every right to be upset and if she can cry all she needs to. Luckily, Mandi does not have her children until today, so I am so thankful that the children did not see her that way.
Here is the even harder part. We have to tell the kids. We are having a family barbeque on Sunday, (after the appointment with the doctor) to tell them. The goal is to try not to scare them but be honest and let them know what to expect. Although we will all be there, it looks like I will be the one telling the kids for I am the only person (right now) who can tell them without crying. I am meeting with my friend, who is 30, and just had to tell her own children about her stage 3 breast cancer a few months ago.

In other not so fun news, are IUI has been rescheduled for Wednesday. Ronnie and I have high hopes for this IUI and our entire family could use the good news right now. If this IUI does NOT take, we have both decided to wait a couple of months to we try again. Emotionally neither one of us can deal with another “No” while dealing with Brenda’s recovery.

Lots on my Mind

This has already been quite a week and it has really just begun. I have so many thoughts going through my head this week, I’m having a hard time sorting through them. No bad thoughts, nothing necessarily good either, but just sorting through life.

First off, I started school this week. I know, I just love punishment! The thought of completing 2 classes in 8 weeks was very appealing until I realized that the class is designed for 15 weeks so I’d better double up your home work. I already had one quiz, I have a large assignment due on Friday, and my first test is Monday. I’m not worried about the stress the classes might cause due to the fact I don’t have time to stress.

The positive side about school is that my plan is total working. I have successfully sidetracked myself from the whole baby-making thing (well...for the most part). I asked Ronnie last night if we should hold off on trying IUI for June, but he wasn’t crazy about the idea. This will be out third IUI and every time we have one, I get more scared. The doctor will only perform 6 IUI’s so I feel as if we are using all our chances. I hate to say it, but every time it feels like there is just less hope even though, in all reality, we are improving our chances. I know our next step is IVF but we won’t be able to afford that for at least 3 years. Tentatively, it looks like I will be ovulating on Father’s day. Wouldn’t that be a great Father’s day gift to Ronnie if it were to work?

My brother hit me with a bomb last night too. His girlfriend is moving in with him. He called Ronnie to see if he would help him finish the remodel to his bathroom before she moves in THIS WEEKEND. Looks like I need to add four more place settings to our Thanksgiving table. Her oldest child is in college now, so that only means that her other two will be moving in as well. Yes, my brother is adding two teenage children into his life. HA! He said that they are just going to rent her house out to see how things go. I’m glad they are not just selling it. Ronnie and I were laughing last night because Dom is not going to be able to hide her in the closet anymore (she has never met our family). I almost wonder if Ronnie is scared for her. He feels like it took a long time to “win over” my family. Now, Ronnie loves my family and feels the love back. He told me he was going to pull Michelle, Dom’s girlfriend, to the side and tell her that my family is like the mafia. His words, “It might take some time for them to warm up to you, but once you’re in, you’re in for life.” The funny thing about all of this is that Claire told me a couple of weeks ago, “I really like Michelle”. “I hope Michelle and my dad get married.” I didn’t tell Dom because I didn’t want to add any pressure.

The other crazy thing that I ran into this morning was an article in the paper about my ex-stepsister. Well, I wouldn’t call it an article since it was in the records under Superior Court. She was convicted of one count of unlawful issuance of a bank check. Here is and idea, get a job you dead beat. She saw Amber the other day and told her she was getting married. Amber wonders if that's how she paid for the ring (I wouldn't put it past her). As I told Amber, I just know one of these days the FBI is going to contact me because they are investigating her as a serial killer and they found someone locked in her freezer. I just hope I'm not the one in the freezer. I thank God that she lives in a different city and that Ronnie convinced me to cut her out of my life.

I Told You Not to Count Me Out

I'm starting summer school on Monday. It's offical! 8 weeks for 2 classes.

I'm am having a MUCH better day than yesterday. I Feel like it's a new day and I'm still going to push toward my goals.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Well, Not this Time

Hard morning with another, not this time. Tomorrow I'll be back to "we'll just have to give it another try". As for today...I weep and I'm allowed.

Dreams

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that’s ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Toss his kid a baseball.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we’ll hold.

~Susan Reardon